Unapologetically me

Relocation

2008-10-20T12:13:00.003-04:00

This blog has been relocated to: http://blackvanillawhitechocolate.wordpress.com/

Quadruple Posting?

2008-09-15T10:59:00.002-04:00

I promise, I'm not going to cross-promote my blogs every time, I just felt that since I did it for the last one I should do the same for this one, which is basically "part 2". See the Love Lesson after The Shack...

Double Posting

2008-09-12T13:48:00.002-04:00

Check out today's post on my other blog. The subject matter is too good to miss!

Labor Day Adventure

2008-09-02T13:23:00.002-04:00

Yesterday hubby and I drove the kids down to a friend's house at the Jersey shore. Shortly after we got on the Garden State Pkwy, our right rear tire blew! The van started shaking but O easily maneuvered it onto the shoulder where he could change the tire. We only had a donut, but it was fine. He took maybe half an hour to change it and then we were back on the road. It was weird and interesting, observing myself through the whole thing. My first thought was, "Wow, praise Yahweh that we're all ok." Then a few minutes later, I thought, "Oh, that's right, we forgot to pray and plead the blood of Yahshua before we left, no wonder." But I was so calm and completely unphased throughout the whole situation. It was kinda cool. I had a great time hanging out w/everybody all day and didn't give the tire another thought until we were driving home. This time we remembered to pray :-), and just took it a little easy back up to NY. No further incidents.

As much as I may be painfully aware of my flaws on a daily basis, I am definitely growing, and this little adventure proves it. Go me!

Announcing: The Deeper Life

2008-08-27T20:41:00.001-04:00

My husband and I are a part of this discipleship program. If you or your friends or even your whole church are interested in joining, leave a comment or message through this blog and I’ll get you connected…

Would you like to know God?
Would you like to know your destiny and purpose?
Would you like to help other people in a meaningful way?

If ‘Yes’ was your answer to any of these questions, then we would like to help you. There is a way to banish doubt without ending the questions. There is a way to fulfillment and significance. True and lasting love is not fleeting or temporary. Your heavenly Father is calling you to Him and He has asked me to help you to know that you know Him. He has asked me to train you to train others and through this process you will be given to know the Mysteries of the Kingdom of God and you will be a distributor of eternal life, which includes joy and faithfulness.

Would you like to be God’s friend?
Would you like to have friends who will stick with you?
Would you like to be a person that others would cherish as a friend?

There is a way, but you are going to have to seek it out. You are going to have to find within yourself the strength to make an effort to make a change in your life. Decide right now to live the life that you were created to live. If you will do that, then we will do all that we can to help you to achieve that. Contact us now and let’s get started.

Hebrew: The Live Love Language

2008-08-25T14:09:00.003-04:00

Over the weekend I had some quality alone time with Yahweh (God) during which He showed me some very exciting things about Hebrew, His favorite language. I worked on a book about the Hebrew letters with my pastor last year, so I already knew a good deal about Hebrew, but this time He gave me a bigger-picture view -- at least of the first 10 letters. It was so wonderful to me that I was weeping as He was showing it to me, and afterward I felt all warm and tingly and completely at peace. It was awesome.

So hopefully I'll do the revelation justice here. Everyone's heard of romance languages, right? Spanish, French, Italian... well as great as these languages are, they don't hold a candle to Hebrew, which is the only official love language, and the only living language. Don't get all caught up in thinking that I'm saying one culture or group of people is superior to others -- believe me, I'm not. God loves everyone in every culture and can speak to them in their own languages no problem. But His native language is actually Hebrew. He used it to create the entire universe, and it's His very DNA. How can I say such a thing, you ask? Stay with me...

Like I said, Hebrew is the only language that's alive, and the Hebrew alphabet is a love story from beginning to end -- alef to tov. The best part about this love story is that whoever you are, in whatever time period you live, in whatever culture you live, it is always a love story between you and your creator, Yahweh. It is timeless and therefore always current, and it is always personal. It's you and Yahweh, eyeball to eyeball.

The first letter of the Hebrew alphabet is alef. It looks like this: א
Hebrew letters also have numerical values, and the value of alef is 1. It also has a value of 26, however, because it's made up of three other letters -- the diagonal line is a vav, and the shorter curved lines above and below it are two yuds. It's a bit complicated to get into on a blog, but this letter is actually a picture of Yahweh and man eternally intertwined. This letter represents Yahweh Himself, but right in the center of Him is the vav, which represents man (or woman). We were always in Him, from the very beginning, and we can not be separated from Him. He surrounds us at all times, in visible and invisible ways, and He asks that we trust Him. The man is off balance in this picture, but supported by Yahweh -- which shows that He'll sweep you off your feet and love you like you've never been loved before if you're willing.

The second letter is the bet: ב
It has a value of two. Because of who Yahweh is -- love -- two eventually had to come from Him, the One. He always had in Him the desire to love man, and so man was always destined to exist as long as Yahweh existed and exists. The two here represents agreement and partnership, but also duality, dichotomy, disagreement. Love is not really love unless free will is involved. You can't love a robot or a clone. Although the potential for pain now exists, so does the potential for great creativity. The heavens and earth were founded on this letter and this principle.

Next is the gimel: ג, which is equal to the number 3.
The gimel is the fruit of the previous two coming together. Their creativity has birthed a new being, which is the upright or rich man. This man is mature and always giving. He/she performs acts of kindness continually, ensuring that all hindrances to others' growth and development are removed.

Soon the gimel makes the choice to humble himself even to his own detriment, and becomes the dalet, or poor man: ד
He is a willing servant now -- although he is still that upright man, he has chosen to serve rather than be served.

As this man is bent over, bowing to carry another's burden, Yahweh breathes His Spirit, His nature into his nostrils, represented by the fifth letter, the heh: ה
He fills him up so much (with His love, His capacity, His nature), that he once again becomes upright as the vav: ו
which has a value of 6 and represents man, because man (males and females) was created on the sixth day.

Now we have the answer to the question, "What is man that Thou art mindful of him?" This glorious creature, that always existed at the core of Yahweh's being, that was made in His image and likeness and given so much care and attention before he even drew his first breath! This is you! This is why Yahweh loves you so much. He knows your true identity, although you are completely ignorant of it... until now, that is. Too late, you've already heard it, and now you are accountable for it. :-)

So now man is perfected, complete, and he receives his crown, as we see in the zayin: ז
Zayin has a value of 7, which is a number of wholeness and completion. This is our goal and our daily decision -- to walk as this crowned man who is led by the Spirit and not as the fallen man we were born into. Now that we are crowned we are ready to enter into the eternal covenant of marriage with our maker, which brings us to the chet: ח

Chet has a value of 8 and represents a chupa, or wedding canopy. You are the bride (guys too) and Yahshua (the visible Yahweh) is the groom. 8 is the number of new beginnings; you enter into a new life together and again are ready to bear fruit.

The tet ט, which has a value of 9, represents a pregnant woman and, more specifically, the 9 months of pregnancy. This tells us that even though we've entered into the marriage covenant, we still need patience -- we may think we're ready for everything, but He may have other plans; Yahweh's timing is perfect and we must trust Him to always have us in the right place at the right time.

Then comes another stage of completion. The yud represents the number 10: י
It is said to be the hand or finger of Yahweh and thus is called the point of creation. It's the moment at which pen meets paper and a new chapter begins. You are now a co-creator with Yahweh, and from here on out everything you touch will be magnified (the values of the letters begin to count by tens from the yud, and then after the next 10 they count by 100s). Your power and influence is multiplied, so now you need to stick closer to Him than ever.

And He gave me all of this on just a short drive to Trader Joe's on Saturday. Isn't He amazing?! I'm looking forward to getting the rest of the love story... the last 12 letters. Hopefully I won't have to wait 'til we run out of groceries. :-)

Your Brain is An Antenna

2008-08-21T14:06:00.002-04:00

I've heard this for years from my pastor but I just want to put it "out there" for anyone who may stumble upon it because it was a huge revelation to me when I first heard it. This concept has saved me so much grief, aggravation, confusion, guilt, etc. over the years. It's very simple, as the truth usually is. Here goes...

Your brain is not a "thought factory" that produces original thought. In fact I'll go so far as to tell you you've never had an original thought in your entire life! Sorry if that offends you. Your brain is actually an antenna that picks up transmissions from the unseen spiritual world all around you. These transmissions come from one of two camps -- Yahweh's/God's camp, or Satan's. Positive, life promoting, encouraging, loving, creative thoughts come from Yahweh. Negative, doubting, skeptical, angry, hating, destructive, confusing, worrisome, stessful, lack-conscious, guilty, depressing thoughts come from Satan.

I highly recommend tuning in to Yahweh's station and staying there. All other stations, and there are many, will ruin your life in various ways and to varying degrees.

Don't be so proud as to think you've got everything figured out. What you see, hear, smell, touch, and taste with your meager 5 senses makes up less than 1% of the reality you live in, and your lifetime is barely even the tiniest blip in the history of the universe. You are a tiny receiver that will stay tiny until you link in to the network that created you. As soon as you do get linked, though, you have access to everything the Creator himself is and has. Receive love. Receive limitlessness. Or be a tiny forgotten blip. It's your choice.

Rachael Jolie-Pitt

2008-08-14T13:03:00.002-04:00

I had an interesting dream last night. Brad Pitt was my father, and I assume Angelina Jolie was my mother (she was a very famous actress, but I don't remember seeing her face). I was very quickly preparing to leave on a mission with my mother. I was very anxious, but absolutely determined about what I was to do. I had one little brother, and somehow this mission I was going on was going to protect/save him and others. I think we were loading huge machine guns, and I remember packing 2 pairs of jeans and 3 shirts in a backpack... lol.

Knowing what I do about dreams, I expected to get an interpretation, and here's what I got so far.

Brad Pitt is symbolic of God, Yahweh. Both are rich, powerful, and claim to really enjoy fatherhood. (I remember feeling great security about who my father was in the dream.)

Angelina was the Holy Spirit. She was going with me to do what Brad, the father had sent us to do. I didn't need to see her face, I just knew she was with me. I think the clothes (2 pairs of jeans, 3 shirts) also symbolizes the Holy Spirit, because it adds up to 5, which is the number of he, the breath/spirit of Yahweh.

The big guns, I assume, are the Word/Scriptures and probably prayer. And I think the little brother symbolizes the world. The biggest impressions I got from the dream were that I finally had confidence (which I've been lacking lately in real life) and that I had to move quickly.

Get ready, world, the Jolie-Pitts are coming to save the day!

This symbolism is so funny to me because I secretly am fascinated with the Brangie Bunch. I'm not usually into celebrities, but I feel like Orville and I are called to a similar vision to theirs -- rescuing and in some cases adopting children from different countries, and working to end the exploitation and suffering of children around the world. Maybe we'll share a play date one day, lol.

But on a more serious note, I better start praying to find out more specifics about what this mission is so I'll be ready to do whatever I need to do quickly, when the time comes.

Faucet of Energy

2008-08-07T10:38:00.003-04:00

As promised, I'm giving an update on a previous post called "Faucet of Youth" (pls scroll down, I'm in a rush and can't put in the link right now). Despite my skepticism, I have to say this water is pretty amazing. I've noticed a subtle yet steady increase in energy, which is what I've been desperately hoping for. I haven't even been eating as healthy since I got the water filter, and yet it's still having its effect. Yesterday I did eat well -- almost 100% raw -- and had a glass of water when I got home from work, and I was wide awake and full of energy until past midnight. UNHEARD OF for me! My bedtime has been getting later and later, and I never feel like I need a nap. This is priceless! :-)))))))))))) Stay tuned for future updates...

A Rare Post on Fashion

2008-08-05T10:31:00.004-04:00

I don't normally consider myself qualified to comment on fashion trends... but there is one that I am quite passionate about. I read the best article about it this morning... I'm not alone! LOL. Check it out and let me know what you think:
http://www.newsweek.com/id/150240/>1=43002

Days of the Living Dead?

2008-07-29T23:58:00.002-04:00

I just came from a Jesse Duplantis service and I'm all stirred up... it was so good! One of the things that excites me most is a confirmation I received about something I saw a couple weeks ago. My pastor had been talking about how we need to put our faith out there for really big, spiritual things. At that moment Yahweh told me that I needed to revise my vision board. I saw myself putting a picture of a cemetery on the vision board, and then saw myself envisioning/proclaiming that it was empty and that everyone in it was resurrected from the dead.

So what did I do? I changed two tiny little things on my vision board, neither of which had anything to do with raising people from the dead. And I've barely looked at it since, even though I sit right in front of it every day.

Then Jesse comes along and starts talking about a day when he was driving past a cemetery, looking at how beautiful the land was. Yahweh spoke to him and told him he should empty it out. Jesse had to pull over and ask Him to repeat Himself. Yahweh then said, If you don't do it, I will. Jesse admitted he didn't have the faith for that just yet, and Yahweh simply said, there's coming a day.

On the way home Orville and I couldn't stop talking about it. I mean... why not? All these Scriptures started coming up in my spirit, like "He holds the keys to death, hell, and the grave" Hello? Are you reading me? "Greater things than these shall you do in My Name" (Yahshua speaking) If EVERY knee shall bow and EVERY tongue confess, then some pretty radical things are going to have to start happening aren't they? I so wish I lived near a cemetery right now!

I truly see limitlessness at this moment. I would really like to know if anyone can give me a Scriptural reason why this cannot happen. And if it can, who's going to step up? Will I dare? What will it take? When will we start tapping into the power that is in us, Church? What are we waiting for??????

Reformed Control Freak (by faith)

2008-07-17T09:33:00.003-04:00

Wednesday nights are my favorite night of the week, because we have an awesome service at our church that night. I usually feel like I'm in an advanced college course, while simultaneously at a comedy club, while also being 5 years old again sitting on my father's lap as he reads me my favorite story. There's nothing like it.

Anyway, last night the main topic our pastor taught on was control, and the concept of realizing that hardly anything is in our control so it's pretty silly to waste so much emotion and energy on trying to control everything. As a quintessential control freak, I listened to the message with a mixture self-consciousness, skepticism, and relief. I know wisdom when I hear it, so why is it so difficult to internalize it instantaneously (I also have issues with patience as you've probably surmised)?

It's so obvious: Yahweh is my Father -- He's good all the time, He's smarter than me all the time, and He speaks all the time. My steps are ordered by Him. He is omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent, whereas, let's just say I am not quite there yet. I trust Him... do I not? So why would I ever waste one millisecond of my precious time or energy worrying about anything??? And futhermore, why would I ever even bother to predict or expect things to turn out a certain way, let alone get all hot and bothered when they don't go that way? If it weren't so unfortunate (in my mind) I'm sure it would be hysterical. In fact I can see YHWH laughing His heartiest laugh right now, much the way I laugh at my kids when they do something cute out of frustration or lack of understanding. I know they will get it eventually. He knows I will get it eventually. By faith -- and only by faith -- I know it, too.

Expanding

2008-07-12T09:15:00.003-04:00

I really didn't think I was going to like this blogging thing, but it's definitely growing on me. So much so, in fact, that I have started a new blog about my marriage, called Black Vanilla/White Chocolate. I'm actually going to "market" it to some extent (put tags on my posts, connect with other bloggers, e-mail people about it) because I want it to help people. So check it out and spread the word to anyone you think might be interested. I'll still keep up this blog for things not marriage related, but it's more for my own benefit than anyone else's.

Faucet of Youth

2008-07-11T13:41:00.004-04:00

My dad and stepmom are on an ongoing quest for optimum health. They are eating raw, mostly organic foods, exercising, and doing everything they know to do, and are expecting to reverse their aging process and live well past the age of 100. Why not? Along the way they have inspired me and countless others to eat and live better.

The last couple times I saw my dad, in particular, I actually noticed that he seemed much more youthful -- the way he moved and spoke I kept thinking I was talking to my brother... it was odd but great. He told me about their latest discovery: alkalized, ionized water. They just bought (and we followed suit) an Orion alkaline ionic water system you can install at your faucet. (I'm not trying to sell anything, I haven't even tried it yet.) The idea is that it purifies your water of all the contaminants, separates the water into alkaline (to drink and cook with) and acidic (to clean with, tone your skin, or use as an all-natural mouthwash!), and gives it a negative ionic charge, which allows it to neutralize all the free radicals in your body. Free radicals are what cause us to age. So if the water takes out all the free radicals, your aging process slows down greatly. Isn't that cool?? Well I think so anyway.

So my "system" was delivered Wednesday night but we haven't been home long enough to install it yet. Hopefully tonight's the night. Stay tuned... If any of my future posts contain the letters OMG or discuss Hannah Montana or the Jonas Brothers in any capacity, you'll know it's working! LOL.

Pree years old!

2008-07-07T21:28:00.005-04:00

That's how Isaac says three... sniff! where does the time go? Actually I feel more like he's 5, lol. But seriously, this kid is such an amazing gift to me. Every day he stretches my patience and cracks me up, sometimes simultaneously. I'm constantly aware that he is more Yahweh's child than mine and that we were put together for a reason... iron sharpens iron, or something like that. It's so cool to look back over the past 4 years (including the prep and pregnancy) and see how much we've grown. And I'm really looking forward to finding out where we're going! :-)

More photos available here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/lewinsons/.

Psalm 4:6-8

2008-07-02T13:22:00.002-04:00

I've been reading a fair amount of The Message translation of the Scriptures lately, and for the most part I love it. It's the most modern and straightforward of all the translations I've seen, which causes it to hit me in new ways. For example I read this in Psalm 4 today:

Why is everyone hungry for more? "More, more," they say.
"More, more."
I have God's more-than-enough,
More joy in one ordinary day
Than they get in all their shopping sprees.
At day's end I'm ready for sound sleep,
For you, God, have put my life back together.

This may not be the perfect example of the modern slang in The Message, but it so perfectly captures how I feel whenever I'm out "in the world" or watching TV (which is rare). I so don't care about 99% of what people are talking about and looking for these days. Give me a day alone with nothing but a Bible, Strong's concordance, and notebook and I am in absolute bliss! Or just let me hang with my husband and kids with no agenda but to be together... nothing compares to it. I'm tired of all the world's distractions. They're all lies. The Word is the only truth and it's(He's) all I want.

Pray for China

2008-07-01T09:59:00.002-04:00

I'm in a hotel room in Philly this morning (last minute business trip), waiting for coworkers to approve the website I just launched and YHWH keeps reminding me to pray for China (I will as soon as I finish this post).

There are over 1 billion people in China... I can't even fathom that. Only a very small percentage (I think it's like 3-5%) of the population is connected to the internet, and they already outnumber every other country for internet users. The U.S. has about 2/3 of its population connected -- imagine when China gets to that level! As I heard someone say recently, "We better start learning Chinese!"

And, of course, the Olympics are set to begin in Beijing on 8/8/2008... those numbers happen to add up to 26, the number of the name of Yahweh, and there are no coincidences... I know He's got plans for the people of China. The bottom line is that this is a critical moment in history for an extremely influential nation, and we Christians need to be at the forefront of what's happening. We need to pray for the kingdom of heaven to be established in China, for Christian leaders to have tremendous favor w/the Chinese government and people. Yahweh loves them as much as He loves any other nation. He is moved by the faith of the oppressed there, and He wants to do a new thing. We all need to do our part, whatever that may be.

Focus

2008-06-27T21:24:00.002-04:00

My husband was just expressing to me that he misses me and that we need to go out alone again soon. I agreed, but then later I felt compelled to make the point that we could have more quality time at home even with the kids there. I was saying that as long as we were in tune and focused on each other, we could enjoy our everyday life as a family even more than we already do. (Ok, maybe I didn't put it quite that nicely, and maybe I was complaining that he was saying he missed me and yet was ignoring me as I was struggling to get the kids to bed, but we ended on a positive note so it's all good!)

But now I feel YHWH saying the same thing to me about focus. I whine that I can't seem to find enough alone time with Him, and worse, I'm constantly feeling guilty about it, so I end up spending even less quality time with Him. And He's saying all He wants is for me to keep my eyes and my attention on Him, whatever I'm doing. If I'll just bask in His presence as often as possible I'll be able to love others so much more effectively, and fulfill my calling so much more easily. The point is not to spend an hour of quality time with Him, then run around the rest of the day "accomplishing" things. The point is to include Him in every moment and every thought, whether I feel I'm being productive or just changing my 9th poopy diaper of the day. It's all about Him. He's the center of it all.

Must... Blog... Now...

2008-06-25T09:13:00.002-04:00

Aaaahhh! I have been fiending to blog for days and days now, but life and work have just been so busy it hasn't been possible. Even now I don't have time, I just wanted to throw this up as a matter of principle. I'm breaking the seal... I will not be denied my creative writing outlet! :-)

No Pain, No Gain

2008-06-09T14:36:00.004-04:00

Pain, as unpleasant as it may be, always serves a useful purpose. When you experience pain in your natural body, your immune system knows to send help and healing to that pain. The nerves are vital for serving this purpose. Emotional pain works much the same way. Tears should never be avoided, nor should they be used to exploit or manipulate. Likewise, anger, depression, fear, when they exist, should not be hidden or ignored, nor should they be surrendered to unequivocally. We all know the expression, "I think I hit a nerve", meaning I think I just discovered a sensitive area in another person -- and for most of us, our subsequent reaction is to steer clear of it. God forbid we deal with it. But we need to hit the nerves. If we don't, the help will never know to come, and the wounds will never be healed.

As a child I knew a little boy who was a hemophiliac. He died very, very young. When a person has hemophilia, their blood fails to clot when they are injured, and they can easily bleed to death. Knowing how often kids bump and scrape themselves, you can imagine the terror his parents lived with every day. Few hemophiliacs ever make it to adulthood. People of the Blood (of Christ) should take a valuable lesson from this. We are often referred to as children in the Scriptures. We are constantly bumping and bruising ourselves. Our Body is bleeding continuously, but this is actually by design and should not be a problem unless we just ignore it and let it bleed. Instead we are supposed to acknowledge the bleeding, spread the word to those close enough to help, and bind together to stop it. And we must be systematic about it; not emotional or judgmental. This is simply part of our daily functioning and maintenance on the earth, not a character flaw.

Can you imagine stepping on a nail and then feeling embarrassed or ashamed of yourself? Would you just put a shoe on and try to pretend that nothing had happened? Would you expect someone else to do so, or criticize them for their pain? Or on the other end of the spectrum, would you start screaming hysterically and saying your goodbyes to your friends and family members? We inherently understand that all of these reactions are completely inappropriate in the natural/physical realm. So why should we think they are appropriate in the spiritual realm?

The Word says that what is hidden shall be revealed. The world would have us believe that what happens in Vegas can stay in Vegas, but sorry folks, this is a spiritual and natural impossibility. Eventually the light will shine so bright that absolutely everything will be exposed by it. Wouldn't it be better then, to deal with it now, voluntarily and with the right attitude, than to have it sneak up on us at the worst possible moment?

It's time for us to grow up. It's time to stop masking our symptoms (and sins) with unhealthy medications, allowing problems to worsen and spread to other areas. It's time to let the Body function as it was designed to function. It's time to start eating the food that was created for us, not the chemical-laden, disease-causing, mood altering counterfeit stuff that's constantly paraded before us.

Only when pain is revealed can the solution to that pain be unleashed. Healing always comes. It's the Master's design. It's just a matter of how long we want to suffer before giving in to it.

Matt. 20:30-34

30 And behold, two blind men sitting by the road, when they heard that Jesus was passing by, cried out, saying, “Have mercy on us, O Lord, Son of David!”
31 Then the multitude warned them that they should be quiet; but they cried out all the more, saying, “Have mercy on us, O Lord, Son of David!”
32 So Jesus stood still and called them, and said, “What do you want Me to do for you?”
33 They said to Him, “Lord, that our eyes may be opened.” 34 So Jesus had compassion and touched their eyes. And immediately their eyes received sight, and they followed Him.

Just a Vessel

2008-06-07T13:08:00.010-04:00

(alternate titles considered for this blog post: Incoming!; The Sound of My Spirit Exhaling After Holding My Breath A Bit Too Long; I Don't Care, I Don't Care [inside joke]; This is Not Written to Spite Anyone, I Promise!)

My heart is so full of love for my pastors this day. Dan and Ann Stratton obeyed the call of Yahweh on their lives and started a church called Faith Exchange Fellowship 11 years ago this month. I have been a member of Faith Exchange (FEF) for 8 of those years. They've been the best 8 years of my life, by far, not because they've been easy or struggle-free but because of the continual revelation of the Truth I've experienced throughout. The Truth is not an elusive or intangible concept; it is in fact, a person, and His Name is Yahshua (Jesus).

I think it was Mahatma Gandhi who once said that everyone would be a Christian if it weren't for the Christians. I've felt the same way many times during my lifetime. I also know many people who have been attracted to the Scriptures, and some who still inherently embrace most of the truth found therein, yet ultimately reject Christianity because of the way some of its followers twist and mangle that truth. These misguided Christians defile the character of Christ and use His words to divide rather than to reconcile. (We've all been guilty of this at one time or another, whether we were aware of it or not.) We, the Body of Christ, for we are still One Body in spite of all our disjointed and diseased parts (which will soon be perfected), have shattered and scattered the truth like the potter's vessel, allowing the world over time to steal key pieces from us so that all we're left with is a useless pile of fragments that can contain no living water. Hard to swallow, yes, and no pun intended ;-). We have reduced Christianity to a mere religion and thus have made the Word of Yah of no effect. Lord have mercy!

Here's where Pastor Dan comes in...

He is one of the bold and audacious few (although certainly not the first nor the last) who are working diligently to rebuild that broken vessel. Only those who believe that the Word is absolute and perfect truth, and that Yahshua was, is, and will always be the embodiment of that truth can repair said vessel. Only those who relentlessly pursue the Truth and are willing to travel to the ends of the earth, searching high and low, leaving no stone unturned (whether it's been re-labeled Islam, Kabbalah, Buddhism, Hinduism, New Age, or what have you) to recover the stolen and hidden pieces and bring them back to the One -- not the alpha and the omega, but the Alef and the Tov, the first and the last -- only they will find it. And when they do find it, because of all they've learned in their pursuit, they will passionately and selflessly share it with all who will accept it. And if they do not find it... (perish the thought) WOE are we!

Thankfully, the vessel is quickly being reassembled in our day. It still has a few leaks, but it is steadily becoming a vessel of greater and greater honor.

We must encourage our leaders, especially those who will go where no man has gone before. We must not put them, or Yahweh, in a box. Do we REALLY think we know it all already? Could we really be so utterly blind and clueless as to think that Yahweh isn't desperately trying to do a NEW and ASTONISHINGLY LIBERATING thing among us today and every day??? Yes, Jesus, Yahshua is the same yesterday, today and forever. But let us not forget that He is also new every morning. The Word of Yahweh is the Truth, the Whole Truth, and Nothing But the Truth. He and His Word are One. He is timeless and infinite. We will never exhaust the beauty, the majesty, the perfection, the glory, the joy, the wholeness, the peace, the good, the love/ahava, the truth that He is. Selah!

Thank you Pastor Dan -- and Pastor Annie, his first mentor in the faith -- for despising the shame and choosing ahava each and every day.

Is. 30:8-26

8 Now go, write it before them on a tablet,
And note it on a scroll,
That it may be for time to come,
Forever and ever:
9 That this is a rebellious people,
Lying children,
Children who will not hear the law of the LORD;
10 Who say to the seers, “Do not see,”
And to the prophets, “Do not prophesy to us right things;
Speak to us smooth things, prophesy deceits.
11 Get out of the way,
Turn aside from the path,
Cause the Holy One of Israel
To cease from before us.”

12 Therefore thus says the Holy One of Israel:

“Because you despise this word,
And trust in oppression and perversity,
And rely on them,
13 Therefore this iniquity shall be to you
Like a breach ready to fall,
A bulge in a high wall,
Whose breaking comes suddenly, in an instant.
14 And He shall break it like the breaking of the potter’s vessel,
Which is broken in pieces;
He shall not spare.
So there shall not be found among its fragments
A shard to take fire from the hearth,
Or to take water from the cistern.”

15 For thus says the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel:

“In returning and rest you shall be saved;
In quietness and confidence shall be your strength.”
But you would not,
16 And you said, “No, for we will flee on horses”—
Therefore you shall flee!
And, “We will ride on swift horses”—
Therefore those who pursue you shall be swift!
17 One thousand shall flee at the threat of one,
At the threat of five you shall flee,
Till you are left as a pole on top of a mountain
And as a banner on a hill.

18 Therefore the LORD will wait, that He may be gracious to you;
And therefore He will be exalted, that He may have mercy on you.
For the LORD is a God of justice;
Blessed are all those who wait for Him.
19 For the people shall dwell in Zion at Jerusalem;
You shall weep no more.
He will be very gracious to you at the sound of your cry;
When He hears it, He will answer you.
20 And though the Lord gives you
The bread of adversity and the water of affliction,
Yet your teachers will not be moved into a corner anymore,
But your eyes shall see your teachers.
21 Your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying,

“ This is the way, walk in it,”
Whenever you turn to the right hand
Or whenever you turn to the left.
22 You will also defile the covering of your images of silver,
And the ornament of your molded images of gold.
You will throw them away as an unclean thing;
You will say to them, “Get away!”
23 Then He will give the rain for your seed
With which you sow the ground,
And bread of the increase of the earth;
It will be fat and plentiful.
In that day your cattle will feed
In large pastures.
24 Likewise the oxen and the young donkeys that work the ground
Will eat cured fodder,
Which has been winnowed with the shovel and fan.
25 There will be on every high mountain
And on every high hill
Rivers and streams of waters,
In the day of the great slaughter,
When the towers fall.
26 Moreover the light of the moon will be as the light of the sun,
And the light of the sun will be sevenfold,
As the light of seven days,
In the day that the LORD binds up the bruise of His people
And heals the stroke of their wound.

As for me and my house...

2008-06-05T10:42:00.002-04:00

I've always loved that Scripture to the core of my being, "As for me and my house, we will serve Yahweh!" It's been a sort of mantra for me since I gave my life back to Yah; I've used it to "build my house" before I knew my husband or had any children, and it's been playing out in such beautiful and unexpected ways.

Now this may sound trivial to some, but we recently decided to put a chunk of funds toward beautifying our apartment. We figured that although we're believing for a house and saving and paying off debt, we should also use our current space better to honor Yahweh. In other words, it should be orderly and we should invite people over regularly, which means actually putting some effort into it and buying a couple things instead of just inheriting other people's hand-me-downs. I've always envisioned our home being one where lots of people congregated and felt comfortable, but I realized I hadn't taken any steps to make that happen, thinking it would come later w/the new house. But you have to be faithful with what you've got first...

So I say all of that to say we've been buying new rugs, a loveseat, shelves, accessories, etc. to make our home more livable for ourselves and others. I know that this is important to Yahweh, and He has shown His endorsement by ordering our steps and giving us amazing deals on the stuff we're buying. We just got two beautiful rugs in the exact colors, styles and sizes we wanted for only $235, less than half of what I budgeted. He showed us a way to make the space feel larger (there are 4 of us in a 1 BR), and we've been in total agreement about everything -- no fights or tiffs! I even had enough wiggle room to get a Vita-Mix 4500 TurboBlend, which was also on sale for only $315! (It's over $400 most places... it's so much more than a blender.) Guess I can take that off my vision board now. :-)

I know some may have a difficult time relating to what floats my boat, but the point is I'm having a blast watching Yahweh bless me as I make my requests known and then listen and obey His voice.

Now off to make some delicious green smoothies!

Prayer Changes Things

2008-06-04T09:37:00.003-04:00

I rarely ever watch the news or read the newspaper because it's usually so negative, but this morning as I was getting on the train I saw the headline that Obama is the Democratic nominee. Now it has me thinking... I've been hearing all this conspiracy stuff lately, which sounds totally believable to me, and someone recently told me that it makes absolutely no difference who we vote for in this country, because one way or another those who are truly in control will get their puppet into office. (That may be true, but I'm still going to vote.) And they said this year that puppet will be Hillary Clinton.

I also noticed that she has yet to concede, which means there's still a chance that she could be President. But then Scriptures started coming up in my spirit. The effectual, fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth MUCH. And then I thought, it doesn't even say righteous men, it says one man. Then I heard, Whenever TWO or more of you agree as touching ANYTHING, it shall be done for you; and nothing shall be impossible to you if you believe. Yahweh, I believe. Help my unbelief...

For nearly a year my church has been hosting prayer calls in which people from around the country come into agreement to intercede for individuals and nations. I know we are having a major impact. Yet hearing about this massive and seemingly all-powerful conspiracy that's been going on for over a century had me feeling a bit defeated. I still had hope that we could conquer it, but I can't say I had much faith. Which means many of my prayers along those lines went unheard. This is why it's so dangerous to take your eyes off the Word and His promises, and let other messages influence you. We walk by faith and not by sight.

So Hillary may or may not be a puppet, and she may or may not be elected President this year, but regardless I'm going to continue to pray over the elections and each candidate in FAITH, by myself and along with my fellow believers on the prayer calls, because we have awesome power and therefore an awesome responsibility to bring change. Not campaign slogan change, but true and lasting change which establishes the Kingdom of Elohim on the earth. Yes, we can.

Retreat & Advance

2008-05-30T10:14:00.003-04:00

It is so amazing to me the way Yahweh honors the time you set aside for Him. The more time you set aside, and the less convenient it is, the more He honors it. He never leaves you hanging. I went on a retreat with my Point of Creation team last weekend -- the 6 of us rearranged our schedules and plans so we could dedicate a couple days to understanding the purpose Yahweh brought us together for. I knew we were going to get answers, but WOW, I didn't expect such powerful and tangible manifestations of His PRESENCE with us on that retreat. Duh. I should know better by now. He just longs to spend quality time with us.

During the weekend I kept thinking back to a few years ago, when I went on vacation with 4 female friends I'd known and loved since the first grade. We went to Martha's Vineyard and had no agenda other than to enjoy the beach and each other's company. Boy did we get more than we bargained for! Very shortly into the vacation, things began to turn sour, and by the end it was an all-out war. It was almost the end of our friendship, after all those years! And although I was led to forgive and make amends, I think we all still feel the effects of it on some level.

Fast forward to this retreat and a new group of females, where we have even more estrogen floating around, even more diverse backgrounds and therefore chances to be offended, annoyed, etc. Two of our team members are even pregnant! Yet it was nothing but love, laughter, and unity all weekend. We are closer than ever. I praise Yahweh for the training we've had over the past few years. We've learned to celebrate and appreciate our differences and always fight against the spirit of offense rather than one another.

Because of that groundwork that was laid, Yahweh was pleased to come and dwell among us, and He was free to talk to us about the destiny He has for us. Nothing was able to get in the way. And even as I'm writing this it's hitting me that that's how it should always be. Nothing should ever be allowed to get in the way of our quality time with Him, of our ability to hear from Him. It's so silly sometimes the things we get distracted by.

I was thinking about the word "retreat" right after the retreat, and at first thought maybe it was the wrong word to use. It can have connotations of fear and running away from something. But on the other hand it means to get away and get quiet with Yahweh, as Yahshua did very often during His time on earth. This was where His power came from. Getting away from the distractions of the world allows Yahweh to truly minister to you, and then He can promote or advance you to the next level. That's probably where the word came from, but I hadn't thought about it like that before.

So today I'm making a new commitment -- to retreat more often, into the Name of YHWH and His Word, where I can be strengthened to take more ground when I emerge. Woo hoo!

Everyone Needs to See This Video

2008-05-20T10:43:00.002-04:00

Granted, it's about two hours long so you may not want to watch it online, but however you watch it will be well worth the effort. My view of this country and its leaders has completely changed in the last week, and my prayer life has a new sense of urgency.
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-1656880303867390173

7 Deadly... Wrath

2008-05-12T13:54:00.002-04:00

Another word for wrath is anger. We have so many opportunities to get angry on a daily basis. So much is beyond our control, and although some of us are more control-freakish than others, we all like to have some sense of control over our daily lives and destinies. We like to think we've got it going on, that we're successful and happy. But then we constantly bump into people all day long who threaten that sense of well-being, or more accurately, remind us that very little of what happens to us is within our control. So we get angry.

Our father, Yahweh, completely understands this about us. And since He is the one who IS in control, He doesn't fault us so much for our anger, only for acting on that anger in the wrong way. He tells us it's ok to be angry, just don't let it cause you to sin. In James 1:19-20, it says let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath, for the wrath of man does not work the righteousness of Elohim. He's telling us that He knows we're not going to understand everything, and that because of it we're going to get angry when we don't really have any reason to be. He just warns us not to be too confident in that anger... not to assume we know what's truly going on or act out in order to "rectify" things. He's got it under control. He'll rectify everything in its time.

So the next time you're tempted to unleash your wrath on someone, even if you're sure you're justified in what you feel, go back to Yahweh and ask Him what He thinks. Be swift to hear another perspective. Your steps are ordered, even when you're not so sure of where you're going or why. Just trust Yahweh and control your anger -- that's one of the things He allows us to control -- if we can't handle that, how do we expect Him to give us anything bigger to manage?

7 Deadly...Lust

2008-05-09T10:09:00.002-04:00

We are 3-part beings made in the image and likeness of Yahweh. We are spirits, we have souls, and we live in our bodies. I can't tell you how many times I've heard this in my lifetime... yet I have to remind myself that there are people who aren't aware of it. And even for those who are, we need to be reminded that there's a constant battle going on between our flesh and our spirits; if we're not conscious of that, we will be ruled by our senses rather than our spirits.

The lusts of the flesh -- sex, food, approval, comfort, control, etc. -- are powerful, but our spirits are far more so. I often think of the man Jesus (Yahshua) met who was possessed by thousands of demons. When Yahshua asked him his name he replied, "Legion, because we are many." Yet this legion of demons was unable to kill the man simply because he willed not to die. Somewhere deep down inside he knew who he truly was and what he was capable of. The moment Yahshua cast the demons out of the man and gave them permission to enter a herd of pigs nearby, they ran the herd into the sea to their deaths... they couldn't do that to the man no matter how hard they tried.

We are supposed to develop our spirits to the point where they dominate our flesh. Given the potential of our spirits, this should not be a difficult task at all. But we are so easily deceived into thinking our bodies are who we are, or that our bodily desires are more powerful than our God-given ones. Lies. It's time for us to stop living so far below our potential -- we were made to glorify Yahweh in spirit, soul AND body. We are more than able. We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us.

7 Deadly... Envy

2008-05-06T14:17:00.002-04:00

Those who experience envy don't yet have the revelation of how infinitely loving Yahweh is. He owns everything in the universe; He's the most powerful being in the universe; He's also the most loving. All you have to do is make the effort to connect with Him, and all of His supply -- and more importantly, all of who He is -- becomes available to you.

The Hebrew letter vav symbolizes man and the word "and". The concept behind this letter is that all things are possible for man when he is in covenant with Yahweh. You can have your cake AND eat it too, so to speak. Your resources are no longer finite... this includes material resources as well as spiritual and emotional resources, like love, patience, generosity... you have more than enough of these things to extend them to everyone you come across every day of your life.

When you're meditating on this concept, there's no room for envy to come into your thought processes. Every situation becomes win-win, or at least has the potential to be. Someone just swooped in and stole your Dr. McDreamy from under your nose? Then a more perfect match must be coming along any day now! Your nasty neighbor has the house/car/job/life you've always dreamed about? It can still happen for you, too. And it will happen a lot faster if you have a grateful and magnanimous attitude.

Besides, when you start to really mature, you're not even concerned with the "stuff" -- all you're really striving for is oneness with the Father, because with Him you have everything you need, and you don't want anything without Him. He is that amazing. And He's accessible to us on the most intimate levels in this life. It's up to us to seek Him out and stop wasting time looking at everyone around us wondering when our ship will come in. It already has.

7 Deadly Sins: Sloth

2008-05-05T12:38:00.003-04:00

Sloth can be translated as laziness, depression, joylessness, apathy, indifference, slowness, sadness, melancholy.... and being average. It is a sin of omission, or inaction, rather than comission, or action. In other words, saying/doing nothing when someone commits one of the other 6 deadly sins is just as harmful as committing it yourself.

I just attended a 3-day ProVision Network Leadership Summit for Christian businesspeople around the world. The things we learned were both exciting/invigorating and sobering. We learned about the gravest issues facing the entire globe in the coming years (water shortages & waterborne diseases, energy crises and environmental destruction from global warming, the increasing prison population, and more); we also learned about amazing opportunities that come along with these problems, and we explored the tremendous potential of the human spirit, especially when it comes into agreement and unity with a body of like-minded spirits. We now have a great responsibility to act on what we've learned. To be slow or slothful at a time like this will prove deadly not only for ourselves but for the masses as well.

We CAN make a difference. A major one. And because we can, we must.

7 Deadly Sins: Greed

2008-05-01T14:04:00.002-04:00

Greed goes hand in hand with some of the issues I was talking about in my last post on gluttony. The reason why so many people are being deceived about their diet and health is because of the intense greed of a relatively small group of people. I won't rant too long on this one, but suffice it to say there is a big conspiracy among pharmaceutical companies, the American Medical Association, the FDA, and some others to keep people sick because it generates huge profits. Even many doctors are blind to it.

Greed is completely heartless. But what goes around comes around. If you crap on the little guy you better start carrying a large umbrella around, because one day... And when it happens, Yahweh will laugh. Sowing and reaping is a spiritual law that cannot be changed; we've been warned about it, and now it's pretty much out of Yahweh's hands. He is not mocked; He's the one who does the mocking, but only after He's given every opportunity to repent. There are no excuses.

The 7 Deadly Sins: Gluttony

2008-04-30T17:10:00.004-04:00

For a long time I pictured gluttony only in terms of how it was portrayed in the Brad Pitt movie... obese slob slumped over in a chair with his face in a plate of spaghetti. I couldn't relate to it at all. But lately Yahweh has been speaking more and more to me about the sin of gluttony and what it really means. Gluttony is simply having an unhealthy appetite, or an appetite for unhealthy things. Given the way almost all Americans eat these days, that makes nearly all of us gluttons on some level.

Raw food expert Paul Nison writes in his book Health According to the Scriptures (thanks, Yadi) that all sickness and disease can be traced back to overeating and under-sleeping. Our society is chronically sleep deprived and dependent on drugs because of it. That I shouldn't even need to explain. But we are also overeating without realizing it.

The Standard American Diet (SAD) consists of enormous amounts of meat, dairy, refined sugar, and processed foods -- all of which have little to zero nutritional value. Therefore eating even very small amounts of these foods will leave us feeling hungry, because we are not giving our bodies what they need. To compensate, we eat more and more, and gradually get sicker and sicker. Eating live enzymes (fresh, raw fruits and veggies) and drinking water is the way to optimum health. The more consistently we eat these healthy foods, the less we will need to consume to feel satisfied and energized. Talk to anyone who's been a vegan, particularly a raw foodist, for more than a few months and they'll confirm it.

But most people rebel against these ideas because the media has them believing that it's all about what THEY want -- "have it your way" "American runs on Dunkin'" and other such slogans are not just marketing ploys, they are powerful declarations that are little by little transforming our society... And although I've made a lot of progress, I still succumb to the deception at times (as I sit here with my coffee that I KNOW I'm not supposed to be drinking and don't even like the taste of anymore... but I got up early to come to the office and it's chilly in here, blah, blah blah). It makes me angry. We need to wake up and smell the papaya (just go with it)!

My body is the temple of the Living Yah. Sickness, disease, weakness, and lack have no place in it. That's the truth, but it's still my responsibility to use wisdom and be a good steward of this house Yahweh has given me. I can declare the scriptures until I'm blue in the face, but if I don't act on the revelation and obey the instructions I've been given it will do me no good. The traditions of men make the Word of Yah of no effect. It's not about what I like, or what my friends are eating or what's convenient. Since when has the Gospel been convenient??

I have an assignment to fulfill and I'm going to fall short or be delayed if sickness and exhaustion are constantly distracting me. I'm not going to wait for a serious problem to manifest in my body before I heed the wise and merciful counsel of the Holy Spirit. I am commanded to glorify Yahweh, not only in spirit but in my body as well. I am to lay hold of the promises I've been given. To deny these things is to deny people access to their Father. To conform is to condemn souls to destruction, or at the very least disappointment and delay. Ouch!

The wages of sin is death. Gluttony is a deadly sin. I repent for being gluttonous in my own way, Yahweh. Forgive me and strengthen me to set myself apart and walk worthy of the calling I've been given.

The 7 Deadly Sins: Pride

2008-04-29T13:59:00.004-04:00

I haven't thought much about the 7 deadly sins (or cardinal sins, as we learned them) since Catholic school... oh, and that movie with Brad Pitt... Kevin Spacey was sooooo evil! But yesterday I was realizing how many people still get caught up in them (ok, myself included), and just how deadly they truly are.

So, of course, I decided to blog about them -- one at a time -- so I don't have to think up things to blog about for at least the next week or so.

You'd think just the name "deadly sins" would be enough to scare people into paying attention to them, but then again these days people scoff at even the idea that "sin" exists. Talk about scary...

Anyway, let's start with pride. This one's a doozy. When I think about it, I realize I have so many friends, family members, and acquaintances who are totally getting their butts kicked by pride. And I don't mean to sound like I'm sitting back, shaking my head, saying "Tsk, tsk, when will they learn?" I recognize I have my own issues with pride as well. It's just a fact: pride was the first sin ever committed when Lucifer decided he deserved more glory and adoration than he was getting for the job he was doing. So it's only natural that here on earth Satan repeatedly tries to trip us up with that same sin. If you're not constantly guarding your heart and mind by filling yourself with the Word of God, pride will get in, along with the other deadly sins, and wreak havoc.

So what is pride exactly? I think pride is ultimately saying, "I'll make the rules." It's a delusion that makes you think you can handle more power than you're capable of handling. You see something you want, then convince yourself you deserve it even though you've done nothing to qualify yourself for it. You get puffed up and try to take it by force, then get angry and frustrated when you lose it. And God forbid anyone try to help you by telling you what you might be doing wrong! How dare they be so judgmental and smug! Just for that you're going to do what you KNOW is 100% wrong for the rest of your life just to spite them! Ha, that'll teach them!

Um, yeah, ok... good luck with that.

But we all do it to some extent. Even me. The cure for pride is humility. Humility recognizes that you almost never get to make the rules, and is relieved about that, because making the rules is an enormous responsibility. Humility handles power carefully and reverently, knowing you're never qualified to handle it on your own, and never wanting to even if you could. Humility is playing your part with a grateful heart. Yet it's not self-conscious or self-deprecating -- it's entirely self-less. It requires boldness, because all of us are called to do something great -- as they say in show biz, there are no small parts!

So today I'm asking Yahweh to give me more humility and to remove pride from me, as far as the east is from the west. I want to do my part, giving 100% of my effort at all times, walking in love and never looking around to judge whether others are doing their parts, or wishing I could trade parts. I love Yahweh and the system He has created and the people He has placed in my life to help me. Thank you, Yahweh, for every good and perfect gift you've given me! You are awesome!

Now as my pastor would say, let's review: Pride... Baaaaaaaaaad; Humility.... Gooooood. It's not hard. Which one will you choose today?

People Are Stupid

2008-04-28T16:40:00.003-04:00

A friend of mine always used to say, "A person is smart, but people are stupid." I was reminded of this while watching Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed over the weekend. The narrator/host of the documentary, Ben Stein, was appalled to learn that scientists and professors were losing their jobs for merely mentioning the words "intelligent design" in papers or publications. He met and interviewed the world's leading evolutionary biologists and physicists who publicly scoff at the notion of Intelligent Design (I.D.). Through the course of the interviews, however, they all eventually reveal that they do in fact admit there is some possibility that I.D. could be truth... They're just worried about what "people" will think if they find out.

Whenever we try to conform to what a particular group of people or a society seems to approve of, we will eventually be shown to be fools. But if we search our hearts to discover what we truly believe, and always remain honest and teachable, we will become very wise indeed.

34 years young

2008-04-26T00:10:00.002-04:00

... to me!

Speared

2008-04-22T10:09:00.003-04:00

First of all, I realize I'm about two years behind on this, but Kelly just blogged about Alias being the greatest show ever, so I'm in good company :-). I watched the movie "End of the Spear" for the first time last night, and it really speared me through the heart. It was so powerful. For anyone who doesn't know about it, the movie is based on the true story of a group of Christian missionaries who went to the Amazon to reach a violent tribe called the Waodani. After scoping out the area for a while and eventually spotting the tribe, which no one had ever contacted and lived to tell about it, a group of six guys plans to go in and meet the tribe. These men had wives and kids who were also living in the Amazon but in safer, more civilized areas while the men went off on their journey.

The thing that made the story so powerful for me was that the missionaries' attempt to save the tribe seemed to fail so miserably at first. The tribe was so violent and vengeful that they were quickly becoming extinct, so they needed to be saved physically as well as spirtually. So the missionaries arrive, spend about 5 minutes trying to communicate with 3 of the tribe members, there's a misunderstanding, and about an hour later the warriors come back and spear them all to death. So I'm thinking... well, THAT was pathetic... now how are they going to salvage this movie?

But, they really did. After news gets back to the families of the missionaries, they stay in the area and continue to try to communicate with the tribe. Just seeing the GINORMOUS sacrifice these families were willing to make to save these people was so inspiring and humbling. Although the original 6 guys barely said two words to the natives before they died, the way they died (without fighting back) and the things they taught their wives and children had a phenomenal ripple effect. The things they instilled in those around them throughout their lives were more than enough to overcome their deaths and accomplish their mission with the Waodani.

I can't really put into words the effect this movie has had on me, but I know it has changed my life. Something about the way the characters and the story were portrayed got through to me in a new and profound way. I cry everytime I think about it. Now that's the kind of movie I want to make... and more importantly, the kind of life I want to live.

Spring Cleaning

2008-04-19T12:44:00.003-04:00

This is going to be short. I'm "stuck" at the house all day today with the kids, which I usually don't like, but today I need it. I have so much cleaning and organizing to do it's ridiculous. The fun and socializing can wait -- my sanity is at stake. :-) I tend to hold on to things a little longer than necessary and in my current ('though very temporary) space I can't do that.

So far I've gone through all of my clothes and Isaac & Scarlett's to figure out what to keep, what to throw away, and what to give to charity or friends. I'm making good progress. Next I'm going to tackle the toys and books... ugh. But it feels good to be getting my house in order. Clutter is depressing and makes it hard to concentrate, and I don't have time for that this year. This is my year!

Finally stepping out

2008-04-18T13:05:00.007-04:00

I've been a writer for a long time, maybe my whole life. I've also had a dream of writing an original book or screenplay for a long time. When I first came to NYC, in fact, it was partly because of the book publishing industry being so big here. I wanted to get an inside look at how things worked as I prepared to make my mark on the literary world, so my first official non-temporary job was at a book publishing company which shall remain nameless.

Unfortunately I was severely mistreated by my boss there and got disillusioned by the whole publishing process. The art was less important than the bottom line, blah, blah blah. I, too, had to pay the bills, so I focused more on journalism and editing, and moved my more creative writing pursuits to the back burner for a while. Now here I am 12 years later, not only with no book or movie deal in the works yet, but I haven't even completed any kind of a manuscript that I could submit to anyone for consideration. Unacceptable.

About a year and a half ago, I was given the fabulous opportunity of helping my Pastor put together a book on the Hebrew language and the personal name of God, YHWH. I jumped at the chance to sow my time and talents into this book, trusting that my own blockbuster idea would soon follow. It was a 9-month labor of love, but I did it and once it was finished I immediately knew that I had had a breakthrough in the spirit. A little later, I also helped his wife, my other Pastor, with her healing book. More seed sown, woo hoo!

Then a few weeks ago, I again was reminded that I had put a goal out there of winning an Oscar for Best Original Screenplay by 2012 (why not?)... so I realized I'd better get cracking. I asked Yahweh for an idea that would pretty much write itself since I'm so busy... hehe. And instantly he responded with, "Why don't you write a screenplay about Orville's life?" Orville is my soon-to-be-a-household-name husband, and he has had some life. That's perfect! I thought... why didn't I think of that before??? LOL.

So I've officially embarked on my career as a screenwriter at last. The timing of the idea was so perfect, too, because it came right before we left for Florida to stay with Orville's mom. I outlined the parts of the story I already knew on the drive down, then pumped her for information after we arrived. Now I'm researching the best way to write/present the screenplay so that it will get read by the right people. I'm so excited. My husband has overcome so much and Yahweh has been such an amazingly wonderful Father to him throughout his life -- He is truly a Father to the fatherless -- and the world needs to hear this story!

My great American novel or children's book series that puts JK Rowling to shame (no disrespect intended, she's got a phenomenal gift) will be next... so stay tuned. And don't forget to look for me at the 2012 Oscars. :-)

Connecting the Dots . . .

2008-04-17T09:24:00.002-04:00

So I don't think I've mentioned this yet on my blog, but Point of Creation has a goal of starting an amazing Christian school for grades K-12 sometime in the very near future. It will be a school of the arts and leadership. The students will be taught to tap into their gifts and talents and their divine nature; they'll learn entrepreneurial skills and learn to hold themselves to a standard of excellence that is virtually nonexistent in today's educational systems. The vision is HUGE.

And get this, the best part is that none of us have an educational background! We don't have a bunch of degrees or fancy titles... we're "just" 6 women with a dream. But this is proof that the vision is from Yahweh. He never asks you to do something you can do in your own strength. There's no faith required for that. He asks us to step out into a land that He will show us. We have to believe and step out first, and then He begins to show us how/when/why, etc.

So that's what we're doing, and already He is lining up team members to help us in our efforts. I mentioned the vision to two women who DO have educational backgrounds over the past couple weeks, and both of them got excited. I met with one of them last night and she loves the ideas and says she is totally on board to help us for the long haul. Woo hoo! Now we just need that to happen about 80 more times... hehe.

We're also going to a leadership summit next month to make further connections, and we're believing for big things to come from that. Even last night at church, "out of the blue" we had a guest speaker who is a missionary and has started schools in Afghanistan. I got his card and emailed him today to get on his mailing list. People are starting to come out of the woodwork, and Yahweh is connecting the dots. I do not despise the day of small beginnings. I will be encouraged at every turn. This is part of my destiny, and He who has begun a good work in me will complete it until the day of Yahshua (salvation/victory/deliverance). Hallelujah!

I CAN Imagine...

2008-04-15T09:53:00.002-04:00

Last Sunday Jerry Savelle ministered at our church. He spoke about walking in the fullness of the blessing. We carry the blessing everywhere we go, so we should constantly expect manifestations of it. We should never be surprised by the favor and increase we receive at every turn. And if we are not walking this way, it is our fault. Our limitations are 100% self imposed.

I've heard these things before, but then he said something that I hadn't heard before... something I wish I could rewind and not hear, that pricked me like a thorn in my heart. He said, "THIS is the year... and if it's not this year, it may be never." In other words, make it happen this year or you may lose your opportunity forever. Wow.

Then he gave us an assignment to go home that night and make a list of all the good things we've ever said or thought, "I can't imagine..." about. At first I couldn't think of anything. I've been working hard at imagining the impossible, especially when it comes to material and physical things. But on the car ride home I thought about it some more and came up with my list. So now I have new things to stretch myself to imagine. Anybody reading this feel free to hold me accountable at any point from here on out! ;-)

I CAN imagine...

being as bold a witness for Christ/Yahshua as my Pastor Annie (for those who don't know her, just trust me, she is boldness personified).
having unlimited patience and capacity to love people
being an eloquent public speaker and a role model for millions
never being afraid of people or their opinions; being comfortable in every social situation
never worrying about anything!

A Night at the Women's Shelter

2008-04-11T10:39:00.003-04:00

Last night I went with my good friend and POC co-director Kim McCray to do a wellness workshop at a women's shelter in Manhattan. I talked about the importance of drinking water and she talked about live enzymes, which are found in fresh, raw fruits & veggies. We brought little bottles of Fiji water to give out, and Sonya (aka Miss DIVA) provided fruit & veggie trays. We got about 18 women to attend, which is a good turnout.

This was the second time I did a workshop at this shelter, and both times it was fun and rewarding. I was really intimidated the first time, thinking they'd take one look at this baby-faced "rich" white woman and completely disregard anything I had to say. But on the contrary, the women are so receptive to learn and share their experiences. Despite the fact that most of them have been abused and are living in poverty, they have such sweet spirits and smiles. As we shared the critical importance of good nutrition, they expressed frustration at the lack of control they have over what they eat and drink. They have to eat "institutional" food, which they know is not good for them, but sometimes it's all they can get.

I felt a lot of compassion and love for these women, and also a lot of anger for many of the "systems" currently in place that are based on pure greed. All of us are being lied to and cheated on a daily basis when it comes to access to health information and nutritious foods. It made me want to become more active in advocating for changes as I continue to learn more and succeed with the dreams Yahweh has given me.

I'm really thankful for the opportunity Sonya gave us to come in and do the workshop. It was a great experience and a reminder to take the time to see things through others' eyes whenever you can. As the Word says, in all your getting, get understanding.

Vacation Recap & Observations

2008-04-09T08:45:00.005-04:00

I'm back! My Florida vacation was glorious, but it's also nice to be back into my normal routine -- I actually missed blogging and reading others' blogs! Basically I'm just going to record everything we did and what I observed for my own benefit -- so if you read this and actually get anything for yourself that's just icing on the cake.

The drive:

I don't regret it! I bought a ton of groceries and a few toys so we wouldn't have to make any superfluous stops, and it actually worked. We didn't even need half of what I bought. We left both ways around 8:30 pm, just when the kids would be going to sleep, and they slept the first 10-12 hours each time. On top of that we had no traffic either way, so we made it in about 18 hours including one long stop to eat and stretch. Even when the kids were awake, they were so good, I was awed. So observation #1 from my trip is that my kids really are as great and well behaved as everyone says they are. The struggles that I have with them are largely just the result of my own propensity to stress, which will be discussed in a later observation. Observation #2 is that my hubby is a rock star (I mean that figuratively but it will also be literal soon -- rock/rap star, that is), and he has buns of steel! He drove for about 12 hours straight on the drive down before I took over, and 8 hours on the way back. My buns, on the other hand, could barely take 4 hours at a time in the driver's seat.

The in-laws:

Part of the reason O was able to drive for 12 hours straight on the way down was that he was so excited to see his family again. It had been about 2 years since he really got to spend any time with his mom and brothers, and a week before we left we found out his dad would actually be in town at the same time so we'd get to see him too. His dad has not been in his life much at all since O was very young, having another family that occupies most of his time, but we still want to try to have a good relationship with him now.

I was a bit apprehensive about seeing him again (I'd only met him briefly once before when he was passing thru NYC), because I figured it would be awkward and I just didn't want anything to go wrong. It was awkward, but also nice. He's a man of very few words, but I still got the sense that he really enjoyed our company and would like to get to know us better (on his own terms). As we were saying good-bye, he could only shake O's hand, but yet he hugged me and told me to take care of my man. It was weird but touching at the same time. Observation #3 is that men would be lost without us. 'Nuff said.

My mother-in-law is awesome. She says she used to be extremely shy, but you'd never know it today. She'll tell you exactly what is on her mind at any time. She works hard, plays hard, and loves hard. One day when I was commenting on how much energy she has, she said, "That's because I eat FOOD!" (meaning meat and dairy as opposed to just fruits and veggies). She also told me I needed to relax at one point, which was/is true. Observation #4 is that in the absence of anything significant to get stressed out about, I will often invent something. I tend to obsess about details, which can be both a blessing and a curse. So now I realize I need to be more conscious of when I'm doing this and find more productive/positive thoughts to occupy my mind.

Sea World:

We liked it so much we went twice. This is the greatest place to take toddlers! Everything is so kid-friendly--the animals, world's largest jungle gym (at least it looked like it to me), sandbox, waterpark, rides, and fabulous shows. Not too overwhelming to do in one day, but exciting enough that you can go back multiple times and not get bored. Observation #5: Animals are so amazing! When you see the awesome potential that animals have to learn and love, how can you doubt your own?

HolyLand Experience:

An experience I could have done without. This is supposed to be a theme park based on Jesus's life as recorded in the gospels. It stunk! These people obviously didn't ask themselves WWJD? when planning this park. Jesus/Yahshua is fun and exciting. This place was for old religious people who probably preach against fun. What happened to "Let the little children come unto Me"? Most nursing homes are more kid-friendly than this place. My mother-in-law was the one who wanted to try it, but she was equally disappointed. We still had fun hanging out and discussing how much cooler our own biblical theme park would be.

Favor:
Observation #6: It really pays to pray before you do anything. (Duh.) We prayed over the weather and that we would have a great time and make all the right decisions during our trip, and we got great results. As I mentioned before, we had no traffic at all on our whole trip... hello? Also it was supposed to rain almost every day we were there, but it always held off until we were back in the house for the night, at which point it would immediately start to downpour! And every time we went anywhere to eat, or do or buy anything, we'd be one of the first few people in line, then all of a sudden a huge line would form right behind us. We were constantly saying, "Wow, we got here at the perfect time." Yahweh is so good.

Fun:
Oh, and one more thing. We went to a Messianic church service with my Dad the last day we were in FL. It was awesome to get more insight into the Hebrew roots of our Christian faith, and we did these worship dances with the whole congregation -- so cool. But one of the things the pastor said was that our love of celebrating/partying is part of our divine DNA, and so is resting. Yahweh enjoys and knows the importance of these things, and so should we. Observation #7 is that our family is closer and happier for having gone on this vacation. Thank you for making the way, Yahweh.

For pics, go to: www.flickr.com/photos/lewinsons.

Countdown to Vacation

2008-03-27T09:07:00.002-04:00

Only 8 hours to go before I begin my 10-day Florida vacation -- woo hoo! I am so thankful to be able to go on a trip like this -- although it won't be fancy or decadent, I don't take it for granted at all. I love spending time with my family, including my mother-in-law, which is a blessing all by itself. Not everyone can say that. We'll be staying with her most of the week, then going to my dad and stepmom's in Tampa for one night before heading back home.

Unless I find an amazing deal on a flight today, we'll be road-tripping it. I'm actually kind of excited about that... although our two toddlers may not appreciate it, I think it could be a fun bonding experience. Like those days when my parents used to take us camping because we couldn't afford any other type of vacation. Four kids packed in the back of a station wagon with a tent and several bags... maybe two sets of headphones between all of us... we had no choice but to get along for at least half the trip. We used to play these silly car games, like trying to spot license plates from as many states as possible, or I spy, or mad libs... Good times, at least in retrospect.

Anyway, I am really looking forward to some rest and relaxation. Rest is so important. I pride myself on my work ethic, but at times I can get overwhelmed and stressed out, which is a form of disobedience. Yahweh doesn't want us frazzled. We can't hear Him clearly that way. This year I'm making a new and concerted effort to be 100% obedient, so I need to hear Him.

One last thing on that note... I really believe I'm supposed to go 100% raw vegan at this point in my life. It's gotten to the point where my body goes into rebellion with the slightest deviation into cooked or otherwise unhealthy foods. New Orleans was a dietary disaster, which was largely not my fault, but nonetheless I'm fighting hard to overcome symptoms of sickness still today. Every morning I hear "eat only raw today," and it sounds a lot like the voice that says, "go to church" and "forgive that person" and "let her go first", so I know what I must do. Sigh... It's all good. He knows what's best.

The Power of Vision

2008-03-25T15:05:00.002-04:00

Ok, it's official. I am definitely moving into a beautiful new house, at least 4BR/2Ba, which I will own mortgage-free this year. I will not need to renew my lease. Good-bye, Rockaways! As I type this, construction vehicles are preparing the ground just a few feet from my apartment building so that they can construct another apartment complex right next door over the next several months. I am quite sure that this will a) completely ruin my view of the ocean, and b) prevent us from ever sleeping in again while we live here. Which means, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for us to go!

I declare right now, as I gaze upon my lovely vision board with the Mediterranean and New American style houses surrounded by lush green yards and gardens, that I have my new home, right now, and that we will move into our new home before it's time to sign a new lease. We will have no mortgage, because the house will be fully paid for before we move in, this year. Can I get an amen, somebody? :-)

I am a child of Yahweh, the giver of every good and perfect gift, the creator and owner of every universe that exists, the One who makes rivers in the desert and parts seas, calms storms with a whisper and gives up His only begotten Son for a bunch of lousy, ungrateful sinners. Is anything too hard for Him? Is there anything He would withhold from me, His beloved daughter???

(The answer is no, for those who may be wondering.) I'm glad I'm going to be chronicling this whole journey in my blog this year -- it's going to be good!

It's good to be home

2008-03-24T12:26:00.003-04:00

So New Orleans was interesting, to say the least. I felt a bit like I was on an emotional rollercoaster from a few days before I left until today... One reason was because I kept hearing this "little voice" try to tell me something horrible was going to happen during my trip and I wouldn't make it back home. I continually dismissed the voice and did my best to focus on what I was supposed to be learning and doing, but it was relentless. My flight home ended up getting delayed a few hours, so I didn't get back until almost 2 a.m. I didn't realize how much it was all weighing on me until I finally climbed into my own bed next to my husband, and proceeded to weep with relief for a good half hour. Sheesh.

We had relatives visit the next day, then church yesterday, and because I left my computer cord in my hotel room, I had to come into the office today rather than work from home... so it's been go, go, go all week/weekend.

Despite all that, I really enjoyed the conference and learned a lot. There are so many amazing tools out to communicate with people these days... but because there are so many, it means you have to be that much more excellent and strategic in your communications in order to stand out from the crowd -- something I always strive for anyway.

I was also moved by the present conditions of the city of New Orleans, partly from Katrina and partly from a long history of celebrating debauchery and lewdness. I felt so much compassion for the people, locals and tourists alike, who were so obviously suffering and choosing all the wrong ways to alleviate that suffering. I prayed over the city, and specifically the French Quarter, which I had a great aerial view of from my hotel room. I felt Yahweh's great love for the people, and His desire to see them set free. I felt His call to the churches in the area to step up to the plate and meet the needs of the hurting.

There's so much work to be done. It's almost overwhelming, except for the fact that I know we don't have to do it in our own strength. If anything, this trip really brought home to me the fact that there is no time to waste. Every minute counts. We must work hard 6 days a week and then we must rest, and repeat. We're not here to amuse ourselves. Pursuing fun and happiness will leave us disillusioned and empty. But laying down our lives and serving others will prove to be more fun and fulfilling than we could ever imagine.

Dream Team

2008-03-18T09:28:00.003-04:00

The prayer calls we're having every day with my church are so powerful. I've only been on a handful of times so far and already I feel the momentum of the team and can't help but be inspired to continue to participate. Teamwork is so important, for everyone, but especially for the Body of Christ. My husband needed a team to get his album produced. I needed a team of creative women to help me rediscover my dreams and get clarity as we pursue our divine destiny together. As my pastor says, "We're all called to do something great, but none of us can do it alone."

I've played on sports teams for most of my life. I've always loved the dynamics of teamwork and the quest to become the best. Who doesn't like to win? The truth is that no one can win on their own. Even solo athletes and performers need a team to get them to victory -- coaches, trainers, mentors, nutritionists, competitors, role models, etc. I've decided that for the rest of my life, no matter where I go or what I do, I will be part of a team. And not just any team, a "dream team" -- consisting of like-minded individuals who know their roles and are committed to fulfilling them. A team that I can dream with, knowing they will support and participate in the dream, not scoff or try and get me to compromise and become mediocre.

I pray that the entire Body of Christ gets this revelation quickly. We need each other. There is no time or place for selfishness or laziness or contention. Arise, Church, arise!

Big Trip

2008-03-17T12:45:00.002-04:00

I'm off to New Orleans (N'awlins) on Wednesday morning. I'm excited and, I have to admit, slightly apprehensive. This will be the first time I leave either of my children for more than 1 overnight (and I only did that once). I'll be gone 2 nights and 3 days. Yikes! I know hubby is more than capable, but I just hope the kids understand.

On the bright side, it should be a great IT conference, with lots of cool sessions about social networking, SEO, mFundraising, etc., and--the clincher--it will be over 70 degrees! I'm hoping the sessions I go to can apply to both my current job and forthcoming POC stuff. I love learning new stuff.

This is my year

2008-03-16T18:47:00.002-04:00

That's what was prophesied specifically over my husband and me at church today, among other things. I believe it and receive it. The limits are off. We will seek Yahweh for the specific, practical steps we need to take each week, but the end has already been spoken and I'm celebrating now. Woooooooooooooooooooooo hoooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

Already breakthroughs are happening... radio stations throughout the country are playing a single from my hubby's album called, "The Devil is a Liar" -- how appropriate. He is one of the most influential rap artists of all time. I am one of the most influential writers and thought leaders of my day. All things are possible to us because we believe. This is our year!

Quickie

2008-03-15T20:56:00.004-04:00

I need my rest tonight so this is going to be very brief... I just want to say how much I love my sisters in Yahweh. I have always had a great group of female friends surrounding me, so I have pretty high standards for my friendships, but the group of women I'm now in covenant relationship with is second to none. Yahweh has outdone Himself. :-)

Invigorated

2008-03-14T12:33:00.002-04:00

Over the past couple weeks I have a new and deeper resolve to be obedient, no matter what. No excuses. The kids are screaming and grabbing at me with their insistent demands... so what? That's more expensive than I thought it would be... so what? I am proactive, not reactive.

As a result I'm getting more things "in the spirit" than usual. Dreams that I actually remember and that mean something... Visions. Today I had a vision which I was able to partially share on a prayer call this morning, then more was revealed to me later when the kids settled down a bit. ...This is cool! But more than that, it is essential. It is only the beginning. I hear the voice of Yahweh every day, as I should, and because I am prompt to do what He tells me to, I hear more and more interesting and important things every day. This is as it should be. And it will be. Praise Yahweh that He hasn't given up on me yet. :-)

The key word in my vision was Invigorated, and that's how I feel. I've been given new life, new power, new capacity, and there is nothing I can't accomplish in Yahshua and the connections He makes available to me. Yahweh is good and His mercy endures forever. Selah (forgive and be forgiven)!

Joyful Expectation...

2008-03-13T14:45:00.003-04:00

...That pretty much describes the state I'm living in these days. I am so happy with my life and my family and how far I have come in the last decade. I am so grateful for Yahweh's constant guidance, even when I had no clue He was there or that He cared. So many things are coming into line. It's very similar to how I was feeling right before I met my husband-to-be. I was absolutely cherishing every one of my days as a single woman, knowing that at any moment I was about to meet my perfect mate, because I had prayed and was standing in faith. I used to dance to our wedding song in my living room, imagining how he would look and how we would feel... and sure enough, he emerged out of the woodwork in short order. :-)

This time the breakthroughs that I know are imminent are in the area of finances and in our callings and creative gifts. Every day another divine connection is made... and we're almost at the tipping point. Satan is sweating bullets because he knows he can't possibly hold back the immense deluge of blessings coming our way. Ha ha! Any day now... Yet I'm not feeling the least bit impatient because I absolutely know it's going to happen. I dare say I may even feel a slight bit of nostalgia for these days of "light affliction" when they're gone...

Nah! What am I thinking? As the Word says, don't waste time worrying about yesterday or tomorrow; each day has enough trouble of its own. I love living in the moment!

Piece a (raw chocolate) cake!

2008-03-07T09:41:00.002-05:00

I continue to be amazed at how little food I'm eating and how little I'm tempted to have anything cooked, no matter how delicious I know it is. I have a major sweet tooth and I was in a 2-hour meeting yesterday with a huge batch of homemade chocolate chip cookies -- something I normally could not resist if my life depended on it, hehe -- they smelled great and everything, but I took one look, said no thanks, and actually paid attention throughout the whole meeting! Who says miracles don't happen today??

Seriously, though, I've noticed several "fringe benefits" this week as a result of going raw:
-- more energy (crucial)
-- fewer and less dramatic mood swings
-- clearer thinking; greater ability to concentrate
-- satisfied on much less food; rarely hungry
-- no cravings
-- I actually FORGOT to even think about coffee, which I'd been trying to give up unsuccessfully for ages.

Yesterday I had a banana for breakfast, another banana and water for snack, raw homemade vegan corn chowder for lunch (yum!), an Omega 3 bar right before I left work, a few bites of salad and 1 date for dinner.

I'm definitely planning to incorporate a lot more raw food in my diet permanently, if I don't go 100% raw. Very eye opening.

Day 5

2008-03-06T09:30:00.002-05:00

My appetite continued to decrease yesterday -- not meaning that I didn't want to eat, but that I was satisfied with much less food.

breakfast -- mango, banana, spinach smoothie; and later green tea
snack -- Omega 3 bar
lunch -- green salad, handful of pistachios
dinner -- an apple and 2 dates

I even cooked bean burgers for my husband and kids, and for a split second thought about eating one, but didn't really want it... so amazing to me!

Today I feel a bit nauseous, but I'm not sure if it's a detox thing or if it's related to Scarlett puking half the night last night. She seems to have had the same thing Isaac had a week ago -- congestion for a few days, followed by a night of puking, a little diarrhea the next day, and then fine. Darn daycare! I realize it's so important that I continue to be conscious of their nutrition and make improvements whenever possible. If they were home all the time I'm sure they'd never be sick, but constantly being exposed to other kids who do get sick means their immune system has to work a little harder -- and therefore I have to work harder at feeding them the right things.

Day 4

2008-03-05T08:52:00.003-05:00

I hate to say it, but this raw thing is almost anti-climactic. I'm really not struggling with it at all. I do feel more energy, but not a huge amount like I was hoping for. I'll see how the rest of the week goes before I decide anything, though.

Yesterday's food:
breakfast - banana, pineapple, spinach, water smoothie
snack - Omega 3 food bar, apple
lunch - a few pistachios, 5 celery stalks w/a little almond butter (wasn't hungry for anything else!)
dinner - big mixed green salad w/lots of veggies
dessert - 5 dates (I was going for a little energy surge right before vocal rehearsal at 7pm -- I sing for my church)

Last night I went to bed around 11 pm and woke up this morning at 5:20 am voluntarily, before my alarm (I did have to pee, though)! I'm a tad tired, but nowhere near my usual exhaustion under these circumstances. (I normally can't function without AT LEAST 8 hours of sleep, and then coffee.) Ok, so maybe the energy increase is more significant than I thought. I was just hoping to be running circles around my toddlers by now, but I'm not quite there yet. :-)

Day 3 Raw

2008-03-04T09:09:00.002-05:00

So yesterday was much better in terms of my appetite. I didn't eat a ton but I felt satisfied. I'm not noticing any detox symptoms yet, which is encouraging. Here's what I ate yesterday:

breakfast - smoothie with strawberries, pineapple, banana, spinach, and water.
snack - Omega 3 food bar; blueberries
lunch - the 2 salads I had for dinner last night
snack - half a banana
dinner - raw spaghetti w/raw tomato basil sauce (the spaghetti is actually zucchini and yellow squash cut like spaghetti with a fancy veggie cutter my dad & stepmom got me a couple years ago). I made myself a huge plate but could only eat half.
evening snack - 4 dates, handful of pistachios

I also sipped on water throughout the day, but not a whole lot. My dad has been vegan for years and 100% raw for about a month and he actually told me he doesn't drink any water anymore. He gets all his water from his raw food, which is the purest source of water you can find these days.

So Far So Good

2008-03-03T10:22:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was my first full day of eating all raw. It went pretty well. The only thing I didn't like was that I ate a lot more than my husband and was still kind of hungry after dinner, whereas he was fine. But maybe it was more psychological. I'm definitely more of an addictive personality than he is, and more of an emotional eater.

So, mainly for my own sake, I'll list what I ate throughout the day and see how it compares to the rest of the week.
breakfast -- water and a smoothie with banana, pineapple, and spinach
snack -- water, 100% raw Omega-3 food bar (almond butter, dates, raisins, agave nectar, quinoa, sesame seeds)
2nd snack -- 2 apples, water (didn't have time for actual lunch)
dinner -- handful of raw pistachios, 8oz. glass of carrot/celery/spinach/romaine juice. Green salad (spinach, romaine, tomatoes, celery, avocado, cucumber, carrots - no dressing), and broccoli & cauliflower salad w/red onion (tossed w/homemade dressing w/almond butter, lemon juice, water, garlic, sunflower seeds).

The hardest thing was not eating during the movie we watched after dinner. I managed to get by just drinking water and eating about 7 raisins - lol, but I so wanted to snack.

Today I feel good and notice a slight increase in energy (I didn't have to drag myself out of bed even though I went to sleep a little later than usual).

R.A.W.: Ready And Willing (surprisingly)

2008-03-01T13:41:00.002-05:00

So today I went on a shopping spree for my week of eating raw (my husband is joining me -- brave man). I'm so blessed that I live near Trader Joe's, because I was able to find so much great stuff at a reasonable price. I'm actually totally excited for this! I'm even going to start tomorrow instead of Monday like I originally planned. For the past week or so I've been trying to listen to my body more attentively, rather than just assuming I know what it needs/wants, and I've discovered it really doesn't want as much food as I normally give it. It likes water, fruit, and greens mainly. Duh -- lol.

I predict one of two things will happen over the next week. Either I'll notice that I have a lot more energy and feel better overall before the week's up, or I'll start detoxing and feel like crap for a few days. If it's the latter, it will still be okay because it will let me know that I'm not eating as healthily as I think I am, and it will motivate me to continue for longer than just a week. But hopefully it'll be the former, and I'll still be motivated to continue.

Wow. Me, raw. Who'd a thunk it?? :-)

Florida's Calling

2008-02-28T10:32:00.002-05:00

I hate the end of winter. Mostly because it drags on for sooooooo long. In case anyone hasn't noticed, it's freezing today! I can't wait 'til we leave for our family vacation in Florida at the end of March. I wish we were going sooner. And I wish we could move NYC a little further south... like to the Caribbean.

But enough complaining. I'm really looking forward to going to Florida to see my mother-in-law and brothers-in-law, and my dad and stepmom who now fly south for the winters (I'd like to be jealous, but they deserve it). It will be great to have the kids get reacquainted with their grandparents (while hubby and I get reacuainted with each other, at least for one night -- tee hee). Thank Yah for vacations!

2008 BYY Update

2008-02-27T16:32:00.002-05:00

So in the wake of 3 recent very good pieces of news, I thought this would be the perfect time to give an update on 2008: My Best Year Yet. In the last week Orville and I have been blessed with thousands of dollars of unexpected income (bonus from his job, tax refund), and I found out I get to go to New Orleans for a supercool IT conference for work. I've never been to New Orleans and I love to travel so I'm excited! Yahweh is so good.

That's the financial/professional news... here's an update on the other areas:
Spiritually: O and I are more disciplined than last year, attending Wed. night services in addition to Sundays, reading the Word daily, and O is doing the prayer calls 2-3 times a week.
Physically: I'm doing a decent job of sticking to my exercise routine, which is a huge improvement from last year. I'm still eating healthy and working toward eating even healthier.
Mentally: I read a book! -- Eat, Pray, Love -- for a book club, although I couldn't make it to the book club meeting. I used to read voraciously but haven't had time for the past couple years.
Emotionally: I'm yelling at my kids a little less. :-) Baby steps.
Socially: I'm super-excited about everything my POC girls and I will be doing this year -- the meetings, women's fellowships, starting businesses, setting ourselves up as a nonprofit, etc.
Yay!

What's happening to me?

2008-02-26T20:07:00.002-05:00

This past Sunday I went to my friend Yadi's house where she was telling me about her raw diet and showing me a book called Health According to the Scriptures by Paul Nison. I'm always interested in nutrition and I know I'm eventually supposed to "go raw" so I paid attention -- but thinking it will still be a while before I take the plunge.

Ever since then I've been nauseous and had loose bowels (I know, tmi) and have barely been able to eat anything. Today I went the whole day on just water and a raw green smoothie. Meanwhile I've been reading from Nison's website and feeling more and more like I need to do this raw thing sooner rather than later. I've been exhausted for so long I feel like I'm ready to try just about anything to have more energy.

So I'm thinking I might start it next Monday. I wouldn't have been ready if it weren't for this lousy sickness. But maybe it's time. I'm going to take it a week at a time.

Vision

2008-02-22T11:59:00.005-05:00

For the past week or so hubby and I have been working on a vision board for our family (an assignment for the Point of Creation team). We're about 85% finished and it's been so much fun. I know I'm going to love looking at it every day. The idea behind it is to think big--examine your heart and identify the dreams/goals God has given you for the near and more distant future--and no matter how impossible it might seem, put it out there. Put it before your eyes and in your mouth, believing, because without faith it is impossible to please Yah. And with Yah, all things are possible, if you believe.

We have pictures of gorgeous homes we own, salary figures and other statements of wealth, orphanages, POC school students, my bestselling screenplay, Orville's influence over billions through his rap career, world travel, our statement of who we are as a couple, which we wrote in 2007, and more... it's beautiful, and humbling, to behold. I truly look forward to the growth that will take place in me as I see this board every day and line up my words with what it shows me.

2008 is my best year yet!

The Ongoing Process of Becoming One, Part 2

2008-02-21T09:30:00.002-05:00

So after I wrote my blog on Becoming One yesterday I went to church, as I normally do on Wednesday nights, and what is the topic of the teaching? Oneness and unity! This sort of thing happens to me virtually every time I spend any kind of quality time in the Word. Often the very next time I come to church, not only are the themes the same as what I've been studying, but usually the pastor goes to the exact same scriptures I've just read on my own. It's awesome, because it's an ongoing confirmation that I'm in the right church and also that I am led by the Holy Spirit.

I need this latter kind of confirmation especially, because I feel like I'm often surrounded by Christians who have these hypersensitive spirits and are always being led to do interesting things, prophesy over people, go to other countries, have/interpret significant dreams, etc. and I'm sitting around like "What about me, God? Do I have any spiritual gifts, or am I just the one who's supposed to keep all these anointed aliens grounded and organized?... That's boring!"

But it turns out I do hear from Yahweh in my own way. It's never audible or mystical for me, although I might want that at times -- it's usually one of those things where you just know what you know. I think I've heard it called an "inward witness" a few times, but it's often imperceptible at the time you have it and you only realize it in hindsight.

Anyway, I loved the message last night because it reminded me that not only are husbands and wives constantly working toward becoming one, but all of us in the Body of Christ are. (And you don't always know who's in the Body, so for that matter we should treat everyone we meet as if we will eventually become one.) I am so thankful for this teaching. I can't tell you how many times I've been annoyed or outright p.o.'d at someone and wanted to cut them off forever, but didn't because of what the Word says. These same people often later turn out to be some of the most precious gifts in my life.

Becoming one is never easy. There is so much junk in our own lives and others' lives that interferes with the process. But if we persevere and continue to choose love no matter what others do to upset us, the rewards are truly magnificent.

The Ongoing Process of Becoming One

2008-02-20T16:19:00.003-05:00

I have the sweetest husband. He is so perfect for me in every way (and he insists that I am for him as well), yet we still have so many misunderstandings in our day-to-day lives as we endeavor to become one. Just for clarification, when I say "becoming one", I don't mean losing our individual personalities and preferences, I mean being united and fused together in purpose and destiny.

Without going into too much detail, I'll just say that we had a totally unnecessary 3-day long fight/chilling period that left us both exhausted and defeated. Once we finally talked it out, it boiled down to this: I was doubting his love/appreciation for me and he was incredulous because in his mind, he's doing everything in his power to show me how much he loves and appreciates me. LOL. Talk about Mars and Venus. It turned out to be a simple communication problem. Well, simple to identify anyway -- surely more difficult to rectify overnight, but now that we know the intentions behind our actions, we will have a lot more patience with each other.

It's funny, the fighting was so painful but then the resolution was so sweet that I couldn't help but be grateful for the whole process. I hope that I've learned a lesson about always assuming the best about my husband's intentions and having the patience to talk things through right at the time of the conflict, rather than waiting to "cool off".... brrrr! I never want to be that cold again!

Hallmark Don't Know Jack About Love

2008-02-14T09:36:00.005-05:00

This blog is going to be a bit all over the place, but for some reason this holiday is stirring up a lot of thoughts and feelings in me this year.

First of all, I'd just like to celebrate the fact that it's already been 21 days since I've had coffee. Woo hoo! I'm proud of myself, this is definitely significant.

But now for the real issues... I've never liked Valentine's Day, even at the most naive and in-love point of my life. It's not that I'm not romantic. Romance definitely has a place in the lives of married and engaged couples. I just hate the fact that this enormous, gaudy, pink flowery shrine has been built to romance, and it's repeatedly forced upon (which is very unromantic, I must say) everyone in the country (and maybe other countries, I don't really know) as if it's the only true indicator of love.

The reality is that at least two-thirds of the planet's population doesn't even have the slightest clue what love is, and Valentine's Day just magnifies this fact. People go into major, months-long depressions over this "holiday", and even make horrible, life-altering decisions over it, believing that just because no one's sending them flowers or chocolates on this particular day they are major losers doomed to lives of solitude and shame unless they do something--fast!

Come on, people.

Love is a beautiful, powerful thing. It means "I will give, I will serve." Here's an even more revolutionary idea: God Himself IS Love. He is the author, the inventor of it, and no one understands it better than He. He's the real thing--far more exciting and energizing than most people give Him credit for. Valentine's day, for the most part, is a pathetic mockery of pure, amazing love. Here are just a few examples of the differences:

Love includes everyone and is eternal.
Romance is exclusive and fleeting.
Love is based on character.
Romance is based on moods.
Love is patient.
Romance is highly impatient.
Love is selfless.
Romance is selfish.

It may sound to some like I just need a good cup of coffee after all (along with an orgasm), but that's not it. (For the record, hubby and I just had a great date and are more in love than ever.) I just want people to see things as they truly are. I want my friends and co-workers and people I've never even met to have amazing marriages and lives, as I do. I want them to experience real love every day, not just for a weekend. I want them to stop chasing lies and stop comparing themselves to faulty ideals. I want world peace - lol!

One more thing--my heart goes out to those who may be having a difficult time on this day. One friend of mine is still awaiting the release of her husband from prison; another is hoping to salvage her marriage which has apparently disintegrated after only 6 months. For them and others like them, I wish I could put a screeching halt to this insensitive and seedy celebration. They don't need another thing to brood about. (And those who are in love don't need to be told what day to celebrate.) But since I can't stop the fabrication, and even if I could, instead I'll do my best to be an example of real love for all the world to see. The truth speaks for itself. I will give, I will serve. Love never fails.

My Little Potty Poet

2008-02-11T21:37:00.001-05:00

Sniff! Isaac came up with his first metaphor today. He was sitting on the potty doing #2, and he said, "Look Mommy, a poo-poo snake!" It was soooooooooooooooo cute (the incident, that is, not the poo-poo snake). Then he was telling me how it was sorry because it fell into the water. LOL. I just love watching their little wheels turn as they make up sentences and stories. Who knew excretion could be so exciting???

A Piece of His Mind

2008-02-08T19:13:00.000-05:00

I asked God what He wanted me to know today, and what He would have me tell the world, and this is what He said:

I'm in you. I inhabit you. I live in you. You are my dwelling place. You are holy, set-apart, blameless. Do you still not know this? Why do you hide Me? What are you afraid of? Do you trust Me or not? Do you want Me to run the show, or do you really think you can do a better job? Let me govern you at all times. I, and only I, know what's best for you. I know how to make you great. I know how to make you prosperous. You, your life, is My territory, My domain. Will you let Me rule in peace, or will you challenge My authority and attempt to overthrow Me at every turn? I know how to rule. It's what I do. Let Me teach you. You say you are ready, now let your heart be steady and trust Me. You have NO IDEA what I am capable of accomplishing in you. Stop trying to guess and analyze before I can get any momentum going. You're slowing Me down.

Your spirit is amazing. Your spirit is strong. You are your spirit. You are not your body, your appetite, your exhaustion, your fears, your insecurities, your failures. You are triumphant. You are glorious. You are My workmanship, after all. Let Me show you off as I see fit.

I don't speak to everyone the same way, nor do I speak to one person the same way every time. I give you what you'll let Me. Let Me give you what's best for you, not what's best for anyone else. Open your heart and your mind to Me. Take the limits off. Be flexible. Be open to surprises. I've got a lot up My sleeve.

I know, you're ready to stop now. It was nice talking to you. Let's do this more often. Please.

By the way, I don't need you to apologize for Me, ever. What I'm doing in you is My business. I don't care what you or anyone else thinks about it, especially when I haven't even warmed up yet. I'll reach others in My own way, in My own time. You don't have to be a shining example of the perfect specimen for all the world to see. Just trust Me, and My glory will shine through you when you least expect it, and for those you least expect to notice.

Babies Don't Keep

2008-02-07T12:24:00.000-05:00

Taking a page from my friend Yadi... I just had to share this very wise poem I received today:

Babies Don’t Keep
by Ruth Hulburt Hamilton

Mother, O Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing, make up the bed,
Sew on a button and butter the bread.

Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She’s up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I’ve grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue,
Lullabye, rockabye, lullabye loo.
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo

The shopping’s not done and there’s nothing for stew
And out in the yard there’s a hullabaloo
But I’m playing Kanga and this is my Roo
Look! Aren’t his eyes the most wonderful hue?
Lullabye, rockaby lullabye loo.

The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow
But children grow up as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.

Hello, I'm Rachael, Lamb of Yah

2008-02-06T08:59:00.000-05:00

Today I know who I am. Sometimes I forget. I go through periods of self-imposed confusion, doubt, laziness, insecurity... it sucks. I much prefer knowing who I am. I feel so much more confident and content. I used to have a running joke with my high school friends, whenever someone would say I couldn't have something, or would treat me like less than royalty, I'd puff up (laughing at myself at the same time) and say something like, "Hello? Do they know who I am??? I am Rachael Woodruff!" (that was my maiden name). I would not be denied.

If only I'd carry that attitude throughout each day and moment of my life...

Anyway, today I have it. I know I'm a child of Yahweh. He loves me with all of His being. I'm a masterpiece! He knew me and formed my character and my spirit before I was in my mother's womb. He whispered my name, Rachael, to my mother. It means lamb. I am gentle and kind, innocent and pure, self-sacrificing and selfless, and I contain in me the power to save the world. I am a savior. You need me, no matter who you are or whether you like me or not. I have a piece to your puzzle.

I have a lot more to say, here and elsewhere. I'm a writer, a scribe for Yahweh, among other things. Soon the world will know my name, and in turn I will tell it His Name. This is my generation and my time. I own it and master it. Nice to meet you!

K.I.S.S.

2008-01-31T09:08:00.000-05:00

Today I'm just enjoying the beautiful simplicity of life. In the beginning of Proverbs it says to remember the things we learn from our parents as little children. Love people. Share. Eat healthy foods. Get enough sleep.... (I realize not all parents teach these things, and that's part of my point.) Why do we always want to complicate things as we get older? We tell ourselves we need things just because some TV commercial or sitcom tells us we do. We're too "smart" for age old wisdom. And the Bible is way too outdated to be applicable today, what with all our technology and "enlightenment", right? Nonsense!

If we would just look at the answers right in front of our faces more often, we'd all be a whole lot happier. As my basketball coach used to teach us: Keep It Simple Stupid. If you just focus on the basics you'll win a lot more games. It worked then. It works now. It always will.

Weaned!

2008-01-29T14:35:00.000-05:00

Have I mentioned how much I love my kids lately? LOL. This week is going so great. Scarlett officially weaned herself this week, at just 13 months old. Isaac did the same at 12 months. I always envisioned myself breastfeeding for a good 2 years per kid, but for both the kids and me it just lost its appeal after a year. Now Scarlett will still ask me for milk, but as soon as I try to put her to the breast she just looks at it, makes a face and shakes her head no. Too funny. She's happy to guzzle down bottles of rice milk instead.

To top it off, Isaac is on the verge of being potty trained. He's not wearing diapers during the day except when he naps, and he pees and poops in the potty consistently throughout the day.
Woo hoo!

Caffeine Free

2008-01-25T13:37:00.000-05:00

On Wednesday night, God told me in no uncertain terms that I have to give up coffee for a while. He's tried telling me more subtly several times before, but I ignored or pretended I wasn't hearing it, so now He's gotten louder. There must be a good reason. I know He loves me... but it's still annoying to me at this point. As I'm writing I'm sitting here with a cup of Postum (blech!) and it feels like there's a little man inside the back of my head with a jackhammer. That's the caffeine withdrawal. I can't even have decaf, because that always just leads me back into the caffeinated stuff. :-(

Mind ya bizness!

2008-01-24T20:45:00.000-05:00

Why are people so quick to believe bad things about a person, and so skeptical of those who are trying to do good? Why is it so easy to jump to conclusions and throw away years of relationship because of one nasty rumor? It's so sad... our flesh is truly at war with our spirit, and unfortunately most people are like Terminators in the flesh and like premature, crack-addicted babies in the spirit. Sorry for the crass analogy, but I'm just annoyed right now. I hate it when people accuse others without having the whole truth. 'Innocent until proven guilty' doesn't really exist in this country. Scripture says "judge not lest ye be judged," and "in all your getting, get understanding"... not hearsay, not popular opinion, not even your own opinion... but understanding, of the truth, which can only be found in the Word.

I know this is somewhat cryptic, but I can't really go into detail because it's not my story to tell. All I can say to anyone who may read this is, always give people the benefit of the doubt! Give a lot of grace, because it's right, and because you'll get it back when you make a mistake or when circumstances don't paint you in the best of lights.

Sweet Security

2008-01-22T13:43:00.000-05:00

Financial security has been something I've been seeking for a long time, sometimes consciously, sometimes not. I grew up in a family that was always broke and always stressed out about it, so it's been very difficult for me to release myself from those feelings... my mentality for most of my life has been "grab as much as you can, before it disappears, and hold on tight!" Pretty much the opposite of what the Scriptures teach.

I've had "Aha!" moments before when it comes to finances, but eventually I'd find myself slipping back into that mentality... work, work, work, get as much as you can and spend it very wisely. But a few days ago I was thinking about how amazing it is to be able to feel safe and secure, pretty much all the time, in the world we live in today. I have friends, coworkers, acquaintances, and neighbors that live in constant anxiety that things are going to fall apart. Another terrorist attack might happen... they might lose their job... a family member might be diagnosed with an incurable disease... these thoughts cripple them and affect their decisions when they dwell on them. Or, more often, they try to numb themselves so they have those thoughts as infrequently as possible... they accumulate more "stuff", get hooked on new TV shows, go to happy hours, diagnose themselves with mental, emotional, or social disorders which require drugs, of course... anything to avoid facing their insecurity.

I'm so happy I don't live this way! I have so much peace, and lately I've just been so much more aware and more grateful of that. But then it hit me... the only area I don't allow myself to experience this peace is in my finances! For some reason, I haven't been able to receive the promises Yahweh has made to me in that one area of my life. It's so stupid. How could I allow myself to be deceived in this way? Well, I'm not having anymore of it. Today I publicly declare that my financial health and well-being is totally and completely in Yahweh's hands. I will never worry or fret about my financial situation again. I am financially secure, now and forever, no matter what any person or circumstance may try to tell me at any point in my life. It's an unchangeable truth that I have finally accepted for myself. Whew!

Now to channel all that energy I'll be saving by not worrying about ANYTHING!

We overcome...

2008-01-18T11:53:00.000-05:00

by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony. I have some things to overcome today so I figured it would be a good time to record my personal testimony for my blog.

I was raised Catholic and I prayed and talked to God for most of my life, but I never really felt that I knew Him. The main thing I wanted from Him throughout my childhood was a peaceful home with happily married parents. He didn't deliver, in my mind, so I made plans to "run away" by going off to college and never coming home again. I would build my happy family on my own, from scratch. I rejected my "faith" and reasoned that if God was real, I wouldn't be able to live without Him for long... but if I didn't miss Him, then He couldn't be real.

So off I went on a 4-year-long alcoholic binge (but keeping it together enough to graduate magna cum laude so I could get a job and have that happy successful life one day). My self-esteem plummeted. My family back home rapidly disintegrated, and although it tore me apart inside, I was mostly able to drown the pain with the alcohol and distract myself with other pursuits.

All the while I really thought I was having fun, doing what crazy college kids do and making a new life for myself. There were more laughs than tears during those years, but I didn't have any true joy.

Then I graduated from college, did some dating and soon stumbled upon a stable, "nice guy" named Ed. I fell totally, recklessly in love with him, pouring every ounce of my being into him, willing him to be the man of my dreams. Amazingly, I managed not to scare him off for 3 and a half years! During this time I moved to NYC to prove myself to the world: I could make it there and I could make it anywhere, with my own blood, sweat, and tears, thank you very much.

But I was on very shaky ground. I realized Ed wasn't able to give me everything I needed, and to my own astonishment, I broke up with him. I also realized I was an alcoholic. I was failing miserably at building my perfect life. So I decided to go back to God and demand some answers once and for all. I had memories of some weird, kinda-creepy-but-maybe-there's-something-there experiences at my dad's "born-again" church. I figured I might as well take the plunge and figure out what it was about now, so I could cross it off the list and move on in my search for truth.

I printed out a list of NYC churches from the internet yellow pages. I didn't want any recommendations from anyone who might try to "push" their religion on me. I tried 4 or 5 places that were all wrong before walking through the doors at Faith Exchange Fellowship. Hmm... these people look kinda cool, I thought. Diverse group... and they sure look happy... genuinely happy. Then Pastor Dan spoke... and proceeded to answer all of the questions I came with that day. My heart was burning inside me. It happened over and over again, week after week, in spite of my secret hope he would do something wacko so I could run away and never come back. He was speaking the truth. I couldn't deny it. I had to stay.

A huge amount of growth took place in those first few years, and is still taking place. I'll write more about some of those experiences later. For now I'll just say, fast-forward 8 years and I'm still at the same church, still 100% convinced that I've found the truth, and far happier than I ever could have been on my own. I have the most wonderful husband and two of the most beautiful kids who ever lived. I'm truly content, yet not settling for the level I'm on now. I'll keep growing and learning forever, but I'll always be grateful for where I am and what I've already overcome.

7 Random Facts About Rachael

2008-01-17T08:38:00.000-05:00

7 Random Facts... now these are the rules:

- Link to the person’s blog who tagged you.
- Post these rules on your blog.
- List seven random and/or weird facts about yourself. I’ll try my best!
- Tag seven random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.
- Let each person know that they have been tagged by posting a comment on their blog.

My 7 random facts:

1. I find small talk very uncomfortable but I'd bare my soul to just about anyone if asked.
2. I'd rather sing in front of a room full of total strangers than in front of one close friend.
3. I spent a year abroad in Spain during college and traveled by myself to London and Paris.
4. I was the Albany diocese spelling bee champ in 8th grade.
5. I was the valedictorian of my high school.
6. I hate television and am contemplating getting rid of mine for good.
7. I once dreamed of being the first woman in the NBA (this was in pre-WNBA years).

I tag: Yadi, Tarsha, Kim, Neubela, Satoya, Kelly, and Dawn.

2 Weeks of Bliss

2008-01-16T09:17:00.000-05:00

Granted, we're only two weeks into 2008, but so far I am really liking this year. I feel a change in the air. I've already exercised (on purpose) more times this year than all of last year - lol and yikes! I am enjoying my marriage more than ever and gaining patience with my wonderful children. I'm also saving money consistently for the first time ever. Most significantly, I've been optimistic and excited almost every day this year. I like to consider myself a realist, but the truth is that I normally spend way to much time fretting over problems and potential problems rather than enjoying all the great things in my life.

This positive change is not arbitrary or coincidental, of course. The only reason my outlook is so positive is because I've been in the Word every day, and I've been obedient to read the specific chapters my pastor has told us to read every day, in addition to the other chapters I'm reading. Life is so simple it astounds me sometimes. All you have to do is follow Yahweh's instructions, and you'll be happy. Even when things don't go your way, you're still content and excited when you're in obedience. Why haven't I remembered this every time I felt angry, upset, or depressed in the past? I could have spared myself so much frustration and wasted time. More importantly, can I commit to remembering every day going forward to stick to this fundamental principle? I say yes now, but only time will tell.

In the meantime I proactively confess, again in obedience, that 2008 is my best year yet--spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, and financially--by far! I have set goals for myself for the year in each of these 6 areas, as I've done every year since 2000, and every year has in fact been my best year yet. The only difference for 2008 is that I'm going to really focus on the "by far" part, rather than having it be an afterthought. I'm going to dream big and go for what I want this year. It's what I've been instructed to do, and I owe it to myself to be obedient.

Haikus from my morning

2008-01-13T17:40:00.000-05:00

Five thirty a.m.
Claw my way to consciousness
Need Him more than sleep

Whispering the truth
I take down shouting giants
before they're deployed

Power button on
glorious sounds of worship
from the mouths of babes

Munchkin voices sing,
laugh, parrot, bubbling, joyful
where does it come from?

Time for another entry...

2008-01-10T15:46:00.000-05:00

Why is it that when no one's asking me to write anything and I have no obligations to write, ideas are constantly popping into my head (usually when I'm as far away as I can get from a pen and paper), but when I know I'm supposed to write something I can't think of a single interesting thing to say? It's like my mind is toying with me. It blurts out creativity at the most inconvenient times and withholds that same creativity when I try to ask it nicely a few hours or days later. Not cool.

Today I feel like the "Time to make the donuts" guy on TV... anyone remember him? Just going through the motions on autopilot. Time to write my blahg entry... Ah well, I've been taught that the way out of writers' block is to keep writing no matter what, even if you're just babbling. Sorry to anyone who is actually still reading this. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

I like to move it, move it

2008-01-08T20:09:00.000-05:00

Man, have a I missed exercising. It's so bizarre... for virtually my entire life I've considered myself a dedicated athlete and have always loved practically any form of physical activity. But about halfway through my first pregnancy I just suddenly went on hiatus. I can count on one hand the number of times I've purposely exercised since then. I'm sure if I hadn't been blessed with such a great metabolism I'd have started back much sooner, but since I didn't look too hideous I just got used to being lazy.

One of my resolutions for 2008 is to be diesel again... lol. I bought 3 exercise DVDs and I've done 3 workouts so far. I can feel the tug of my inner athlete again. The endorphins are kicking in... I can't wait to get back in shape! I think I'll be much happier and healthier once I get back into the routine. And if we have more days like today (60 degrees!) it'll be easier and easier. I love outdoor exercise best of all. I took the kids to the playground after my workout and we all ran around in circles until we were gasping for breath. It was heavenly!

Learning from my toddlers

2008-01-05T18:48:00.000-05:00

Toddlers get a bad rap for many reasons, and rightly so on some of them... the love of the word "no," the tantrums, the endless struggle of potty training. But they're also amazing, and often hilarious. I guess if they weren't most of them wouldn't live to see Kindergarten :-). They really do pick up everything, like little sponges. I have to be extra careful of what Isaac sees on TV these days, because he'll start acting it out immediately. Nothing gets by him. And I'm sure Scarlett is absorbing just as much.

One of the things that I find so annoying/tiring about toddlers is that they love and need so much repetition. Songs, books, dvds, games... whatever it may be that they find so entertaining at the moment, they want to do it over and over and over and over again. It's hard, as an adult, not to get bored and try to rush them on to the next thing. I forget that they're learning every time they do it and relishing what they're learning. And the more I think about it, the more I realize how often I rush through the lessons I'm supposed to be learning without really getting everything I should be getting. Sometimes you really need to drill things into yourself. And it should be fun. Learning is a worthwhile activity in itself; it shouldn't always be about the end result.

Anger Management

2008-01-04T14:32:00.000-05:00

If anyone were ever a candidate for anger management therapy, it'd be me. Only people who know me really well understand that there is an enormous snorting bull hiding behind my small frame and placid expression. So, unfortunately, the ones I love the most usually end up on the receiving end of the flashes of rage and hatred that seem to strike out of nowhere, like lightning bolts, shocking my victims to the core... LOL... okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a little, but just a little.

This unruly anger has only reared its head again (after a few years of dormancy) since I entered motherhood 2 and a half years ago. Hormones may have something to do with it, but I think it's more due to not being able to live up to my idea of the perfect mother, and--despite my best efforts to avoid this very thing--imitating the attitudes and behaviors of my parents while I was growing up. I lived in quite a volatile environment for many years. Don't get me wrong, though. I'm not blaming anyone but myself for the way I act. Nor am I feeling pathetic or sorry for myself any more. I've made a great deal of progress in the last several months and I'm very optimistic that I will slay the snorting bull once and for all (sorry animal lovers, it's just a metaphor) in due time.

Peace, victory, wholeness, strength, and all of the other attributes we strive for most of our lives are actually a person... one person... and His name is Yahshua (Jesus). I'm finding that the more I put His words into my mind and heart--and the less King of Queens, Hell's Kitchen, and other shows I like that portray anger and sarcasm as cool and entertaining--the more self-control I have. It really works. And it's really important that I do the work to manage this anger so that I don't pass it down to another generation. My kids shouldn't have to deal with this monster. No one should.

So although it's tempting to laugh it off and embrace my inner hothead, justifying it with a shrug of the shoulders and saying things like, "Gotta watch out for the ol' Irish temper!" I know I'm better than that. I am peace that passes all understanding. I'm the eye of the hurricane, the calm in the midst of the storm, like my true parent, Yahweh. He's the one I strive to imitate, no matter how cool or uncool anyone else might think it is. If I stay in Him, He stays in me, and that is the only way to live.

Here we go!

2008-01-03T16:25:00.000-05:00

I always enjoy ringing in a new year... there's something about the idea of making a fresh start, no matter how great (or awful) the previous year was, that just excites me. I feel like I've just been handed a giant new notebook and a set of rainbow colored pens and markers begging to be used, and I know exactly what to do with them. I don't always have this kind of clarity, focus and enthusiasm, so when I do I like to relish it and take full advantage.

One of the things I've realized in the past couple weeks is that my title for this blog -- "unapologetically me" -- is actually meant to be a personal mantra for me for this year. It's time for me to know and understand what it means to be truly and utterly free from guilt and shame... which is not to say that I'm going to go off on a crime spree or other rampage and run over everyone in my path without remorse. I'm speaking of breaking free from the pointless psychological torment that comes from comparing myself to others, comparing myself to images of myself that others have put in my head, making mistakes, being a woman, being a mother, etc., etc. In short, it's time for me to stop wasting time and to finally be the amazingly fabulous and creative and wonderful creature I already am! (Be myself and be happy with who I am.)

This blog may also be the primary tool for me to ensure that I accomplish this goal, because every entry will be an opportunity for me to assess my progress in the journey. I've set other goals for the year that are more specific and easier to measure... things like "get abs and butt of steel", "get out of debt", etc., but I believe that "unapologetically me" is the most critical and the one that will open the most doors for me going forward. I know it's not going to be easy or fun all the time, but nothing that is worth accomplishing ever is. I'm ready. It's time. Here we go!

Scarlett is a year old today!

2007-12-21T13:32:00.000-05:00

My little girl is 1 (going on 10) today. It's hard to remember what life was like before we had her. She was the "surprise" baby after Isaac, who was planned, and she's a constant reminder to me that I'm not as smart as I think I am. Although I was thrilled about having another baby, I had no idea how I was going to handle having my kids so close together. I also never wanted a December baby, because everyone I knew who was born in December hated getting overshadowed by Christmas (weird, but that really concerned me).

But from the day she was born she has been such a wonderful & joyful influence on our whole family, especially me. It was almost as if she knew what I was going through and knew she had been sent to comfort me. I hate to even write that, because I'd never put that kind of responsibility on a child, but it's the best way I can describe our relationship thus far.

Besides being so sweet, Scarlett also seems oddly mature for her age. She already has a well developed sense of humor, and enjoys teasing and outsmarting her big brother. The other day I was watching them sitting on the couch together, and except for their size, I would've thought they were 11 and 12. Scarlett was watching Isaac out of the corner of her eye and whenever he looked away she'd pull one of his curls, then smirk when he yelled at her. Makes me realize how amazing we are as human beings -- if we're that developed at a year old, how much potential must we have, and how far are most of us from reaching that potential as adults?

Anyway, my kids have taught me a lot, and I'm glad things don't always go exactly as I plan them. :-)

Merry Christmas!

2007-12-18T12:57:00.001-05:00

How good is God?

2007-12-17T09:05:00.000-05:00

I've been trying to drag myself out of bed at 5:30 before the kids get up for a couple months now. I've only done it a handful of times, even though I know God has instructed me to do it and has promised me great rewards for doing it -- yet every morning when my alarm goes off all I can think about is how much I need my sleep, how warm & cozy my bed is, how I'll start tomorrow. So pathetic. I know and have experienced in the past that spending time alone with Yahweh is the most restorative, energizing activity there is, yet I still choose my own definition of rest. And most humbling of all is that He forgives me for it more readily than I forgive myself.

Forgiveness is a wonderful thing, but like all wonderful things, it can be abused by those who don't understand it. It can be an excuse for laziness and stupidity. It can enable us to live beneath our rights and privileges... to stay negative, in debt, selfish... But Yahweh continues to extend it to us, continues to give us the opportunity to overcome our flesh and stand up and be the leaders and world-changers He designed us to be. How good is He???

And another thing, Yah is not mocked. He's not the one who's going to be disappointed in the end if we don't respond as we should. Somebody will hear His call. Somebody will rise up and lead. Somebody will be blessed beyond their wildest imagination. I want to be one of those somebodies... I need to get my butt out of bed tomorrow morning! One of these days it may be too late.

Perfection is overrated

2007-12-14T12:54:00.000-05:00

I'm usually so excited this time of year, but right now I am feeling so burnt out. I just threw a surprise party for my mom's 60th birthday, which had me obsessing over every detail for the last month. I couldn't sleep most nights, and when I did I'd have nightmares, and eventually I got sick from the stress because I wanted everything to be just perfect. And then, because there simply aren't enough hours in the day (and I waited too long to ask for help), I had to compromise on some things and it didn't turn out as great as I'd imagined it... but guess what? Everyone had a fantastic time and kept saying how perfect it was anyway! So why did I get myself so worked up about it???

This is a recurring theme in my life. For some reason, I feel the need to do everything perfectly at all times, to always have it all 'together', to far exceed everyone's expectations, and whenever I don't I feel guilty. Why? Where did I get this insidious desire to torture myself 24/7/365? It's exhausting, and I've decided it's got to stop. I'm turning over a new leaf... or make that drawing a line in the snow, since there are no leaves around here and the beach is currently covered with snow.

It's time to stop apologizing for myself. (Hence, the title of my blog.) Yahweh made me a certain way, with certain gifts and talents, and certain weaknesses. Try as I may, I will never measure up to anyone's idea of 'perfect', including my own, no matter what, so I might as well just be me and learn to enjoy being me (what a concept). Come to think of it, I need to get reacquainted with the real me, and writing is one of the best ways to do that, so I guess this blog will help me out in that respect.

The more I think about it, perfection is actually not such a dirty word, it just gets misinterpreted most of the time. It's a bit of an oxymoron, because the moment you think you've arrived there you're sure to be slapped in the face with your ugliest faults. Perfection is more of a constant state of forgiveness (of yourself and others) and growth, mixed with honesty so that others can relate to your struggles and help you with them. Easier said than done, but still easier than what I've been putting myself through of late.

Pacifiers

2007-12-14T10:43:00.001-05:00

Pacifiers are truly the greatest invention the world has ever known. That's all I have to say right now.